Friday, April 30, 2004

Urgent Update!

Just kidding. It's not really urgent at all. It is an update though. I just today received the same exact spam that was the subect of my prior post, only this time the subject field was "Small Small Little Dicky?? LoL lagidium" which I found very amusing. It's too bad the content wasn't something new. Perhaps something offering breast reduction pills to allow some equilibrium to the relationship or something.

The arrival of this email made me realize a couple of things. The first was that someone seems to have added my name to a short dick spam list. I'm not sure what I have to do to go about getting my name taken off. Is there perhaps somewhere I can send some photos and an unbiased testimonial to? I just don't know. The second is that I have received the same piece of spam in less time than it has taken to update this blog. That's worse than it may sound since I don't (as of yet) get a lot of spam. Maybe it was just fate. I'll let you know if it happens again.

On an unrelated note, I'm considering shaving my head for Spring. I would keep the beard though. You may wonder why I'm considering doing this. I think it has something to do with temporary insanity, but I can't be sure given my perspective. What I would like from you, dear readers, is opinions and advice on what cause I could say that I am doing this for when people ask. The sillier, the better. I was thinking perhaps I could say I am doing it to draw attention to the ongoing rape of the moon's surface for rare minerals. "FREE THE MOON!" Eh. Anyhow, let me know what you think.

I better got back to work now. Derek is abandoning us for a week in order to MOVE into his new house for all things. Like THAT'S an excuse.

Monday, April 26, 2004

More of my happy-fun-fun spam!

It arrived in my mailbox with the name "Dont Blame Ur Bro Being So Small, Try This Out harvey cerise". We have a building wide spam filter in place, so this is some clever stuff to make it through the laser fence. Below I will dissect it piece by piece because I can and want to.

Okay, I'm sure that spelling pill and enhancement "pi11" and "enhance-ment" is an attempt to slip this past spam blockers... However this whole spam arrived as an image file, and I don't think spam blockers use OCR technology. Too clever for their own good.
I can think of more than a few corners of the world that I wouldn't want botanicals from. And I mean botanicals that I would put on a windowsill, much less in my body.
None of that half-inch crap! They offer FULL inches!
"Fuller"? Is that a selling point of DICCKYs? Do women check out the groin area of a man and think to herself, "That doesn't look quite full enough. Gotta pass."? I just don't know.
They ship to all countries THANK GOD! *whew*
Week 1-3: this would be after 14-42 pi11s. And this would be noticeable to who, exactly? Physicists can notice some awful small stuff.
Week 4-8: Now, believe it or not, thick WHILE flaccid is actually very important. It helps with the impression of fullness you give off while walking around, AND it gives the guys something to fear while standing around the urinal. It also gives a man a rolling gait, and if you want to be a cowboy that is key.
Week 9+: Before this point you might want to consider stopping the pi11s. Because, from what I gather from this part of the email, your DICCKY will have become large enough and strong enough to rip itself from your body and wander off to find someone else. Someone "harder" and "healthier". Or, it may go terrorize Tokyo. You know, whatever. It's a DICCKY. It does what it wants.
So, there you go. If you find yourself wanting to investigate this wonder pi11, email me and I'll forward the whole thing to you so you can follow the links in pursuit of a "much fuller & harder" DICCKY, or something to send on a rampage after nine weeks. I'll be discrete. I promise.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Is it true?

Does nothing say lovin' like something from the oven? Not even a rose?

A Sick and Shaky Monday Morning

I just got in from having a cracked filling replaced. I'm feeling very shaky right now, but I don't know if it's from tossing and turning all night worrying about my dental appointment or from catching the virus that my son had this weekend. I'll see if it wears off this afternoon.

Speaking of wearing off I can't feel the base of my tongue, but the tip is tingling. What a strange feeling. Have you ever found yourself after a dental invasion wondering what your life would be like if the novacane never wore off. How you would have to cope, explaining that you weren't always like that. You used to BE somebody. Finding out if you would qualify for handicapped parking. My guess is probably not.

I'm sure you've noticed that I don't have any new cards or cartoons today. You're observant like that. I would apologize, but it's getting kind of redundant and it tends to lose it's meaning with so much repetition. Let's just say that I have ideas that I'm working on and leave it at that.

Derek has informed me that his wife revised her opinion of me and has decided that I am, in fact, going to Hell. I just REALLY hope that the numbness in my face has worn off before I get there. I don't want to talk like a slobbering goob my first day in Hell. I just won't be taken seriously from that point on. So to that end I need to concentrate on keeping my tongue from sliding down my throat and suffocating me at my desk, thus hastening me on my journey to an eternity of flames and damnation all because of a bad joke. Wish me luck.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

My piece of the pie.

Quite a while back I signed up to be a part of the class action suit against five CD distributors and three music retailers for their involvement in CD price fixing over a period of five years. More information about it can be found here. I received my settlement check in February and then quickly lost it somewhere in my apartment. I found it again while engaging in some Spring cleaning. Here it is:

Any bets on whether I'll manage to remember to cash it before the 90 days are up? If it helps the odds, I almost never go to the bank since my paycheck uses direct deposit. On the other hand, I really don't want them to be able to keep even this tiny amount of money. Let the betting begin!

Monday, April 12, 2004

Half-Assed Card #004

Yes, it's in bad taste. I know this. And it's badly drawn. I know this too. And it's late. I had the idea on Friday, got around to it today. Go figure. Asking yourself why you come here yet?

Softwares so cheap I'll buy dozens!

This is spam that I recently received. I found it to be amusing. Milage may vary.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Half-Assed Comic #8 : Ummm...Uhhh...Okay.

Acute writer's block. Any suggestions?
(Alternate text for search engines) Hah! I think I've figured out why I'll never be doing this for a living. I thought I had an idea for a comic. But it was boring to me, so there's no way anyone else would have been interested in it. then I thought I would write about the time I hydroplaned
on my motorcycle at 45 m.p.h. While that would have been a more interesting story, the previous comic was centered around my stupidity, a motor vehicle and water on a road. Been there, done that (Plus I doubt my ability to draw a decent motorcycle). So, I'd had a whopping total of two crappy ideas and then Monday came around and I realized that I hadn't posted anything since the lame "I have nothing to post" post. And that added even more pressure. I would like to say that I don't do well under pressure. I find that trying to come up with something creative and funny while feeling pressured is the same as trying to maintain an erection in a room full of strangers who are pointing and laughing. I would imagine. Except my goal here is to (hopefully) make people laugh, so maybe its not quite the same. Don't worry though, I'm not going to show you my willy. Not even for easy laughs. I'm just pointing out why I'll have to keep my day job. and since I'm really dropping the ball on this one, I figure It would be best if I hand the rest of this strip to Bob, the amazing talking head in a jar! Take it away Bob!
"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."