Now why can't I get spam like this?

Spam for weird bottle opener.

But no, I just get the same old spam about penis enlargement, mail-order viagra, replica watches, hot stock deals and bargain software.

Oh, and spam for fatties. Some of you who know me might be thinking, "Well that one is pretty well targeted" and I'll admit, I can stand to lose some weight. But really, who in their right mind would buy diet pills over the internet?

Diet pills like these (my additions are in red and I changed the names because I've gotten enough cease-and-desist letters, thank you. All typos not in red are theirs):

Flab-B-Gone -- The newest and most exciting fat loss product available - As scen on Oprah

The show? Or the woman? We'll let you decide.

Did you know obesity kills more and more people every year? It's the massive killer that moves on surprisingly nimble feet. We know you hate the extra pounds, the ugly look on your stupid face and the social stigmata attached to fat people. Not to mention the occasional candy bar you find wedged in one of the many crevasses that criss-cross your gigantic bouncy self. Moreover, you can barely do anything about the addiction to high-fat foods. Just shutting your mouth doesn't work because, let's admit it, you have the self control of a locust in a cornfield. This all sounds familiar, fatty-fat-ball-of-lard? Then we have something for you!

Introducing Flab-B-Gone, the ultimate product for weight loss. Nothing works better at shedding the weight except death, and that's an option best saved for later. The greatest thing is that Flab-B-Gone improves the quality of your life, making you crave food less, giving you better mood lighting and eliminating the extra weight. It will also do your taxes, walk your dog, read to your children, take out the garbage, satisfy your spouse, overthrow a neighboring country, turn your feet green, slay your enemies, hide your cocaine, talk to the animals and so much more! Read what real people really say about this real product:

"This is wonderful! Instead of watching TV and stuffing myself with food I became more interested in exercise. I didn't actually do any, but now I can enjoy watching it for hours on end. Flab-B-Gone got me on the right track. Amtrak. I am more fit now, and there are lots of men around me! Where the hell did all these men come from and why are they eyeing my goodies?"

Big Mac, New York

"I tried some passive weight losing, you know, like thinking myself thin, but with little result. This terrible appetite for destruction would just kick in and spoil everything. Once I heard about Flab-B-Gone in the media, and I rather liked the information. I thought to myself, "Gosh, that information sure is spiffy. It would look great on the wall next to my paintings of sad clowns." I tried using it although it was a bit hard to open. I finally had to gnaw through the plastic. Luckily I'm pretty good at gnawing. So I started taking the things, and my wife said I'm a different person now. Apparently they alter your DNA. Now I look like Ross Perot and I think I'm lactating. Here it is, 4 months later. 30 pounds off and I keep losing them! At this rate I should be dead by Christmas. And you know, the bedroom thing is cool, too."

Some Guy, San Francisco

Flab-B-Gone helps your brain understand you don't need that much food. Some times your brain just needs a bit of help with these things. It improves your mood, gives you energy and attacks obesity with teeny-tiny flamethrowers. All thanks to its combination of natural ingredients like iron, plastic and petroleum!

UPDATE: I just recieved this spam again today. Almost the same, down to "scen" in the headline. The only things different were the names attributed to the quotes. Hmmm.


Derek Knight said…
that was not only funny, but enjoyable.
Heather said…
Fatty-fat-ball-of-lard...too funny! You never cease to amuse me!
andy K said…
Just spring for the staples.

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