Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Randomness : Pointless Invention

Found in the tubes: Automatic Candle Snuffer

I don't know which baffles me more: the idea of anyone needing an automatic candle snuffer, or the first two "illustrations" that accompany the patent. So you don't have to follow the link, and so I can fill up some space, here they are with their explanation text:



FIGURE 1

Figure 1 is a perspective view of a typical prior art candle holder. Candles may be used to provide light as well as atmosphere or mood. While it is possible to blow a candle flame out, it is not generally desirable to do so, as it may interrupt a romantic atmosphere and hinder the mood.



FIGURE 2

Figure 2 is a perspective view of the present invention in use. The device of the present invention includes a glass housing having a digital timer device attached thereto. While the timer is running it magnetizes a plate on the timer that holds the lid in the open position. When the designated time has expired, the magnetic field is terminated and the lid swings closed, sealing the housing from the oxygen supply.

My notes and observations:

(Fig. 1)
  • The guy has to pee, and his chest is chilly.
  • Has the romantic atmosphere ever been interrupted or the mood been hindered by blowing out a candle? If anything, it's just the first puff of the evening.
  • This is romantic?
  • Way to blow flame at your lady friend.
  • The blanket has been cut.
  • God the colors on that porn set are horrible.
  • What is up with her feet?
  • He really, really has to pee.
  • Even though they are both "users" (22), he's the one with the DTs.
  • Is that light blue shape a throw rug, beanbag chair or an egg?

(Fig. 2)
  • There is no #3 in the list of "reference numerals" on the page, and the different sized font and different arrow lead me to believe it was already part of the picture. Do I want someone too lazy to white that out having control over fire in my house?
  • I believe her neck is broken. He better hope they're in Vegas.
  • His pants are gone.
  • So is the blanket.
  • And his pecker.
  • You would think he'd be concerned about the whole "missing pecker" thing, but he's just smiling.
  • Does the Family Circus know this goes on in their border when they aren't around?

The "invention"
  • Where is the need for this product? "I have no mouth yet I must blow out a candle"?
  • Do you ever really need to decide in advance that a candle has to be put out in 3 minutes, 22 seconds? Who plans for that kind of thing?
  • (From Fig. 3 not shown) "After that time has expired, the timer shuts off and gravity shuts the lid, releasing it down over the opening of the tube, blocking the opening and suffocating the flame of the candle." Or... it continues to stand due to residual magnetism, or the fact that it's balanced.
  • If it does fall, you better hope it's a snug fit. Looking at the other Figures, I'm thinking there's a good chance of gaps.
  • It's ugly as sin.
  • Why is it rectangular rather than a tube?
  • WHO NEEDS THIS?

6 comments:

Kathleen said...

I noticed that he's still chilly in Fig. #2. Wouldn't his romantic evening be better served by putting his arms around her? Instead of worrying about the friggin' candle?

Heather said...

That's some disturbing shit right there.

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOL!! This is GREAT!! I LOVE public information art- like the handouts they give you on airplanes and such. Maybe I can do that for a job... hmmm...

I wonder if it's not a Chinglish creation since the language wasn't great. Plus, they're weird enough to attempt to manufacture such lunacy!!

I like how you can time it too. You can play the 'oops, no lights' gropage game... but then if you're sitting in a cheesy hotel circa 1975 with your top iff, chances are your lady friend has your number up anyway!!

What's with the weird leg?? I mean I know he's nut-less but it almost looks like he HAS no legs since the only definitioon is her ONE leg in the middle...

And who's arm is that in figure 2?? His are both weirdly crossed and unless she has some wicked double jointing, it's not her arm in the middle or maybe it's her arm on his ram or something. It's like some weird optical illusion. Makes me want to take up pot smoking again!!!

He also looks like the Joker in pic 2!!

I think this is a pretty terrific invention. I like to go to bed with candles going- especially in floaty pink things that might catch fire when the action starts!! You never know, in the post coital glow and subsequent sleep, one might just forget to blow the candle out that's TWO feet away!!!

~Nate.

Anonymous said...

oh... it JUST occured to me why his face looks that way. Where is her other hand???

~Nate.

Sara said...

Why is he naked and not her? And who blows out a candle or snuffs it out during a romantic evening. It is light for atmosphere and once out it is over and time for bed.

Bella Rossa said...

Creepy and awesome. Your breakdown is hilarious.

"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."