Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Jurassic Jesus

8/10/04

It was announced today that scientists in Scotland had discovered residual DNA embedded in the Shroud of Turin and have been attempting to recreate Jesus through cloning.

They are being financed by a reclusive multi-millionaire who is planning to open a Jesus based theme park in Huntsville, Alabama upon successful completion of the cloning project.

It is uncertain at this time, however, how many Jesus he is planning to create for the park. One unnamed source stated that there will be, "at least enough to take turns on the cross and operate the refreshment stands." Speculation hovers around 20.

One concern, apart from the ethical and theological problems that cloning Jesus 20 times over would raise, is how they plan to get 20 Jesus into the country.

It is uncertain how airport security would react to 20 identical men of Middle Eastern descent entering the country under Scottish passports and each claiming to be Jesus. Some disbelief or outright hostility may be encountered.

A high ranking church official observed, "They could walk from Scotland, I suppose. Or Canada. However both options carry an amount of risk that shouldn't be taken lightly. Like encountering sharks. Or Canadians. At the very least they would be considered illegal immigrants, and that would be unfortunate."

When asked for his opinion on the situation, actor Jeff Goldblum replied, "Are they insane? Haven't they seen the movies? What will happen if even one of the Jesus escapes from the park? Think of the havoc he could wreak before he was brought down! It's madness dammit! Sheer madness!"

Donald Chambers, head of research on the Jesus Project, assured this reporter that they did, in fact learn from the Steven Spielberg blockbuster 'Jurassic Park' movies.

"First off we didn't use frog DNA to fill in the missing holes in the Jesus DNA. We used rabbit DNA. The thinking behind this was twofold. First, there isn't a rabbit alive that can successfully breed with itself. If there was, it would and we would know about it. And second, bunnies aren't dangerous. Even in groups of 20 or more.

"Also, we picked up a tip from another movie: The Running Man. Every Jesus at the park will be equipped with an explosive neck collar. If they pass the boundary of the park, *BANG!* No problem.

"And lastly there will be crack snipers above each exit keeping an eye out for escaping Jesus. So. Hippies be warned, don't come to the park dressed in loincloths.

"So as you can see, we have everything well in hand. It would take a miracle for even one to escape."

This reporter remains skeptical.
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Pretty much the only funny thing about this is about a year or so ago the Shroud of Turin was under a fair amount of scrutiny as to its authenticity. I was joking with my brother Trevor along the same lines as this bulk of this post (they were trying to clone Jesus from a human hair found on the Shroud) and he thought it was VERY funny. So funny that he presented it to our mom as true.

She bought it until he got to the part about the theme park.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."