Monday, April 02, 2007

Monday mail blechs.

This post is rated 'M' for Mature. And 'MSA' for Mom Stay Away. It's all kinds of rated.




Sorry to do this, but if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.

The first email I opened this morning was this:





Thanks for the early morning porn-mail you penis patch pushing anonymous fucknut. Still, I think I can use this...

Random thoughts to follow.
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I think it's meant to tell a story, almost like a comic strip.

Panel 1: "Gee honey, I would love to pull down your pants and blow you senseless, but really... what's the point?"

Panel 2: All the information you need to know to fix the situation, with a special guest appearance by the head of H.R. Giger's Alien because that's how we roll.

Panel 3: (Later...) "Wow! Where have you been all my life, oh tool of Satan?!"
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One thing I wonder about this – apart from why they would picture a skinned weenie guaranteed to make any guy back away with his hands over his crotch and tears in his eyes – is do they think by adding the "Rx" to their product's name the potential customer might think it has some medicinal value and legitimacy? All I can say is adding Mc to nuggets doesn't make me think they're Scottish.
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A patch. Why a patch? The only other chemical patch I can think of offhand is the smoking patch, and that's used to give up smoking. Shouldn't a penis patch make you give up penis? Just in case, whatever you do, don't let your lady wear one. To be safe don't even let her look at one.
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"... will expand the erectile tissue longer and wider without any extra effort..." From flaccid, sure. A slight breeze can manage that. You don't even have to TRY. Slapping something on your best friend Bobby is bound to generate some activity. The question that isn't answered is, "Will this patch make Bobby grow bigger and wider than he's ever been before?" Since these people are in the business of lying and taking advantage of the insecure, I feel confident the answer they would give is, "Yes. Oh yes. Big as your freakin' arm. This check's good, right?"
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For the record I don't name my 'bits', but Bobby seems like a good one. It conjures imagery that's hard to forget. Bobby. Think about it. Then, once you get it, try NOT thinking about it.
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It would be awesome if you had to lick it to stick it. "Honey! Could you help me with this? I need you to lick me here, here and here. And here. Here again. Now over here. Stop complaining! I'm doing this for you!" But it's probably adhesive strips.
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Picture this... taking it off after jogging.
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How big is this patch? It can't be too big, because remember who it's for. Provided you have the real estate, can you apply more than one? What happens if you do? I can picture college kids sticking six of them on a friend who passed out drunk at the party. He wakes in the morning and his pants are shredded. He has to gather it up in his arms just to walk. "I can never play soccer again!"
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That's probably way more than enough of that.

Have a great week everyone.

EDIT: By the way, I didn't mention this earlier but the black bar area that reads "Yoinks!" in the third panel... I added that. It was sent to me in all the naked ridged glory it could muster, which you can tell by her expression is quite a lot. I added the red "Why?" as well. So. Yeah.

6 comments:

Heather said...

Oh dear God.

I don't mean to be a girl about it but did you notice in the drawiing how they made the tip look like a brain? Hmmm...

Squatchyk said...

Where do you come up with this? That is disturbing indeed.

Squatchyk said...

I think you found your new stand up act for Freak Train.

Derek Knight said...

awesome. this can be your next Freak Train. I'm still psyched about the idea of doing a "door to door" spam skit.

Digital Scott's illustrationblog said...

You're hilarious!

Anonymous said...

You should be ashamed of yourself...

Your Mother

"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."