Friday, September 02, 2005

The end of the week is nigh!

What better way to cap off the week than making fun of some religious junk mail that I've received? I honestly don't know, so here we go!

This was left on my door:


Click to make bigger.


I'll write out what it says. My comments, as always, in red.

"You Can Know For Sure 100% You Will Go To Heaven"
(Screened in the background it says; absolutely, sure, no doubt, 100% certain, totally, unquestionably, assured, unmistakenly*, definitely, know, completely, convinced, positively, confident. They left out "yep", "mmm-hmmm", "you betcha", "durr", "cross my heart and kick me if'n I'm lyin'".)

* unmistakenly isn't even a word. Unmistakably, yes. But not unmistakenly. Oh well. Anyone can make a mistake.

Here's How You Can Know!

Dear Friend, (I assure you, I'm not your friend, friend.)
Please take a few moments out of your busy schedule to read this tract. (Holy dude, I'm taking out a few moments to not only read it, but re-write it and ridicule it. Can I hear a "thank you"?) It could make the difference between spending eternity in Heaven or eternity in Hell. THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO HEAVEN! (That would make a good slogan for ValuHo.) If you will believe God's Word, you can see what is required for you to go to Heaven.

FIRST, NOTICE EVERYBODY IS IN THE SAME PREDICAMENT
(or Sin Pickle, if you will)

WE ARE ALL SINNERS
(If you feel you are without sin, cast a stone. Now that you've cast a stone I feel that I should point out that casting stones is a sin. Now that we are finally all on the same page...)

Romans 3:10 - "As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:"
Romans 3:23 - "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God;"

(I feel that picking out one passage to prove your point and isolating it from its page neighbors is silly as context can mean a whole world of difference.)

SECOND, EVERY SINNER PAYS THE SAME PRICE FOR SIN
(So if you steal a Twinkie from 7-11, you might as well kill a few people on your way home. Heck, squeeze in a bit of ass coveting too. The price is the same.)

Romans 6:23a - "For the wages of sin is death..." (Which is why I sin strictly pro bono.)
Romans 5:12 - "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned."

When Adam ate of the forbidden fruit, "...sin entered into the world." Death came as a result of sin; therefore we must die. (Every mother f-ing last one of us! Sorry. Pulp Fiction moment.)

Revelation 20:14-15 - "And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire."

THIRD, THE PUNISHMENT FOR SIN HAS BEEN FAID IN FULL
(But I seem to have lost the receipt. I know I have it on me somewhere. Just a sec. Huh. Must be in my other pants.)

God has proved His love for all sinners in that He gave His only begotten Son, Jesus, to die for us. (And all we got Him was a card.)

Romans 5:8 - "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

God has a gift for all sinners, and it is ABSOLUTELY FREE! (And if you act in the next ten minutes, He'll toss in this handy inside-the-shell egg scrambler, also ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT'S AMAZING! How can He afford to do it?! WE DON'T KNOW! But He can!)

Romans 6:23b - "...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

(Talk about a hard gift to wrap. And don't even THINK about exchanging it.)

SO HOW CAN YOU KNOW 100% SURE YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN?
(Um. You can't?)

First, admit you are a sinner. (Oh yeah. That should be obvious to anyone reading this by now.)
Second, realize that without Christ, you are doomed to Hell. (He's like the last life preserver on the Titanic that is Earth.)
Third, realize that God gave His son to die in your place. (When it's put that way it sounds like some kind of insurance scam. "Okay, let's see; I tie Jesus to the chair, set fire to the building, fly off to Bermuda, meet up with my secretary who's cashed out my policies and live happily forever and ever. Man am I ever glad I found this Jesus guy!")

BY SIMPLE FAITH, BELIEVE AND RECEIVE GOD'S SON AS PAYMENT FOR YOUR SIN.
("All my years of sinning and waiting have finally paid off. I just got my Jesus in the mail. I'll show Him to you as soon as He's done cleaning the pool. It's amazing to watch. He walks on water you know.")

Romans 10:9, 13 - "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved (13) For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Dear friend, (Oh. I see. Now I'm a lower case "friend". Fine. Be like that.)
If you see yourself as a lost sinner and without Christ, simply pray, "Lord, I know I'm a sinner and bound to go to Hell, but today I receive You into my heart to be my Saviour. I am putting my trust in You to take me to Heaven when I die, in Jesus' name, Amen!" (Be sure to include a self-addressed stamped envelope and please allow 6-10 weeks for Deliverance.)

John 1:12 - "But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name."

(Odd, the use of lowercase in the "he" and "him" in that one... perhaps it's a mistake. Mmmm. Nope. Apparently, if I'm following this correctly, the "he" in question is John. See? Context is important.)

Have a good weekend everybody. If I can summon up the nerve I may drop by Focus on the Family at some point this weekend and see what pamphlets I can pick up. Wish me luck.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."