If you are preparing to shuffle off this mortal coil, and would like to leave with little muss or fuss, come on down to Corpus Crispy Crematorium! We have the latest, state-of-the-art furnaces utilizing cutting edge E-Z-Bake technology!
How many employees does it take to change a lightbulb at Corpus Crispy Crematorium? ALL OF THEM! They're that big! And fast as the speed of light! We'll have you in and out quicker than your heirs can say "Jiffy-Pop!" and at a fraction of the cost of an old fashioned funeral! Plus at the end of the day, your dearly beloved will have a lovely momento of your departure that they can keep on the mantlepiece! Just try keeping the deceased's coffin over your fireplace! You can't do it! There's laws! But powdered people are portable, decorative AND legal!
So drag your carcass on down to Corpus Crispy Crematorium! It's fast, economical, and fun for the whole family! This weekend, in celebration of the grand opening of our newest facility, we'll have free food, drinks and clowns for the kids! If your kids don't want the clowns, please don't chuck them in the furnace! There's laws!