Thursday, February 12, 2004

Quick Boobage for Quick Bucks!

Old news, but have you read about the class action lawsuit filed against Janet Jackson's breasts?

Apparently, a quick glance of a nipple causes viewers to "suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury." I wonder if there would be such outrage if it had been adorned with a smiley face instead of a throwing star. I think it would have been a much happier experience. More of a "feel good moment". Now, as it is, I personally can't think about a ninja without thinking about a nipple, and that's just revolting.

Plus, think of the children! We can't allow THEM to see a nipple! It could lead to questions, like, "Isn't that where mommy milk comes from?", and "Why does HERS have a faucet handle?", etc. We don't need that in America. The longer we can keep kids from seeing a nipple, the safer we are. It's in the Constitution.

I read last weekend that the number of piercings and nipple jewelry purchases has gone up since Janet's "booboo". So I guess some people handle their outrage and anger in different ways. "Your Honor, I pierced my nipple after the disgusting display during the halftime show. I just couldn't help myself, I was so outraged by it all! Now, every time I look down I'm reminded of the whole torrid incident! My husband says he can't look at me naked without thinking of Janet Jackson, exposed in front of millions of people for a fraction of a second. It excites him, but in the wrong way! I'm asking for $30 million in damages. Yes, I'll take a check. Or PayPal. But not MP3s, unless they come with an iPod and an apology."

What I'm wondering is where is the lawsuit against Nelly and his constant crotch manipulation? I find that far more offensive. The only good that could come from seeing THAT is the knowledge that it's unwise to shake his hand without wearing a glove. Whereas seeing Janet's boob gave Americans the knowledge that she is not, in fact, Michael in drag. Unless his last nose surgery went horribly wrong. Or he's super freaky.

And Kid Rock wrapped in a American flag poncho. Surely THAT had to offend at least as many people as a bare tit.

I'm not saying that Janet was in the right, or that I believe it was an accident. I've never heard of any other duets in history where one of the singers partially disrobed the other "by accident".

I have no idea who knew in advance, and the only person that I can see being held fully responsible for the resulting display is Timberlake. He was the man with the happy hands. Janet just owns the boob. If I tore the shirt off a woman on the street, nipple rings or not, she wouldn't be the one on the way to jail, "Officer, wait, she's topless in public! Fair's fair!" As long as Janet plays innocent and hasn't left any witnesses to the arrangement, Justin's screwed.

Actually, as a disclaimer to all this, I should point out that I didn't see any of it firsthand. I don't really care much for football, so I was out shopping for cheap DVDs at the time. I first heard about it from my ex the next day, and then of course it was all over the internet. So rather then being scarred for life, I'm just amused. I probably can't collect anything for that.

No comments:

"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."