Monday, July 26, 2004

Another stop on the Lazy-Ass Posting Tour of 2004!

LIFESUCKER.COM

"For when life sucks"



Now why couldn't I think of something like this? Of course, if I had I wouldn't have abbreviated "advertising campaigns" as "add campaigns", but there you go. We all have our faults.


And the web poll that mistake is in? It's just opinion. They never really answer with anything like a fact. Although it seems that kittens and the elderly are tied, perhaps due to the fact that they are often found around one another. But teens are in the lead which would have been my guess.

Also, at the bottom of the page is a button that says "Click here if you would like a website like this one!" I didn't dare. Not even as a joke. They might mean it and have ways of making it happen.

Oh, and one flavor of the KissStick (which is GUARANTEED to improve your kissing) is Anise (Black Licorice). Good God NO! Just the thought of it makes me want to spit. And I don't see how that would help kissing. Blech! Gag.

*ahem*

So. There you go.

I was going to follow another link they have called "Teen Victory" and it said that it couldn't open the page because Safari couldn't connect to the server. And now none of the links are working, even the one I was just at (KissStick).

So either I just blew their bandwidth for the day by looking at two pages (sad), or they have a detector that lets them know when someone is poking fun at them (I need that). Either way, I hope it's back up before long so you wonderful people can have a look around. If anyone can find out what the Teen Victory link was about, please let me know.

UPDATE ---

Okay, they appear to be up and running again and holy CRAP! They are in Denver Colorado.

It turn out that Teen Victory is a non-profit organization devoted to help teens stop smoking. Not as funny as I had hoped. But the endorsements for the Life Sucker™ are:

(taken a smidgeon out of context)

"The Life Sucker is a great device for oral stimulation. ..."
-Irwin M Cohen. D.M.D., P.C Pediatrics Dentistry.
(That could be handy when you need to orally stimulate something in a hurry)

"Our family recently purchased the Life Sucker and found it fun and satisfying. ... I also noticed one of my sons using his quite a bit..."
-Nancy Hyde, musician, piano teacher.
(You know, the one we beat with piano wire. The twitchy one)

"I pulled my L.S. out in math class to chew on during my final exam.  It made me relax."
-Brett Hymer
(And it tickled my brain in all the right places! Now I am the GOD of MATH!)

"After I suck on the Life Sucker, I don't need a smoke."
-Christi Frederick
(Unlike after I have sex. So the Life Sucker™ is BETTER for you than sex!)

---
The instructions for use:

"Whenever the urge to smoke hits you, put the balloon-shaped end of the Life Sucker™ in your mouth and suck or chew on it. Suck it with the indented part on your tongue, or suck it with the indented part towards the roof of your mouth.
(Okay, really, how many other ways can there be to suck on this thing?)
"Tickle the roof of your mouth.
(heheheee!)
"Or chew or inhale on the narrow end of the sucker."
(They later warn you that it is possible to choke on this thing so I have NO idea why they advise you to inhale on it. It might seem safer to suggest light puffs on the narrow end to simulate smoking, but actually inhaling... doesn't seem wise to me.)


And a business opportunity from their order page:

"If you are 14 or older and would like to become a Suckcessful Sucker Salesperson by selling Life Suckers™ over the web, please e-mail us."
(Can they think of anything more gay to call their sales reps? I mean really. Take a moment and say it out loud. There is no way to say that title without emphasizing the first "Suck". Even if you CAN do it, you will still be thinking it. And as long as they are running with the "suck" motif, why not call them Suckcessful Sucker Suckpeople? If you are going to play with the spelling of one word you may as well play with them all. God's already not amused.)

If this all really works then fantastic. More power to them. I just think they could have come up with a better name than Life Suckers™ and KissStick. I mean a brain sucker sucks out brains. So what does that tell us about a life sucker? How about Kicker Tit. Or Psychedelic Psucking Pstick? Hell, I don't know. If I were creative I would have thought of this first.

So just remember, "Instead of grabbing a beer, a cigarette, chew, or screaming at someone you love, suck on the Life Sucker™. Medical research proves that sucking is soothing "

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