Monday, December 05, 2005

Evelyn is a nasty, nasty woman.

A warning, and I'm not kidding: If you don't like discussions involving sex and the attendant fluids you should skip this post. If your name is "Mom" or "Karen" you should skip this post. If you are squeamish you should skip this post. If you aren't amused by unsolicited spam offering penile enhancements you should skip this post. Odds are, even if nothing else applies, you should skip this post. I will be getting crude and unpleasant. There's just no avoiding it. Now on with the show.



Spam so fresh you can taste it. But I wouldn't advise it.

Here's how it started (my comments in red):

From: Evelyn Ambrose
Subject: Mt Hood Hosting Recurring Update Confirmation
Date: December 3, 2005 3:38:28 PM MST
To: collin

So far, so what. I knew it was spam of some sort. I was quite sure I'd never been in any agreement to host Mt Hood. Why, I barely know the geography. But what the heck. I enjoy some spam now and then. Let's see what's inside...

-Increase Your Sexual Desire and Sperm volume by 500%
500%?! Good lord! It would be like being a teenager again! Without the curfew. I could see the marketing value of offering increased sexual desire, but sperm volume? Why? Do they figure guys really want to be thirsty afterward? When "all" is "said and done" you would feel like you'd just crossed the desert, losing that much fluid in one go. And the clean-up... I'm not even going to go there. I just don't see the appeal.

-Longer orgasms - The longest most intense orgasms of your life
Yeah, like I want to be making THAT stupid face any longer than I have to.

-Rock hard erections - Erections like steel
Which is it? Rock or steel? It's helpful to know in advance so you can choose proper nicknames. "Howdy! Name's Flint and this here's my little pal 'Rusty'!" Or, you know. Vice versa.

-Ejaculate like a porn star - Stronger ejaculation
What? Mostly out of frame for minimal pay? And when is strength an advantage? Is it something you could use to defend yourself from a mugger?

Mugger: "Gimme your wallet!"

Man Armed With Penis: "Okay. Just a second. It's in here somewhere. Any minute now. It might help things along if you said something sexy."

-Multiple orgasms - Cum again and again
This too could be helpful against a mugger.

Mugger: "Oh Jesus! Dear Lord! Please! Stop! I can't breathe! God as my witness I'll never mug again!"

MAWP: "Wheeeeeee!"

-SPUR-M is The Newest and The Safest Way of Pharmacy
Hahahahahahah! "SPUR-M". Heheh. The rest of the sentence is nonsense, but how's that for a product name? Would you trust the ingredients of a product named that?

-100% Natural and No Side Effects - in contrast to well-known brands.
Especially when the contents are supposedly 100% natural? "Chocolate Milk" contains chocolate and milk. SPUR-M contains... something 100% natural. And no side effects, except a possible chance of gagging while swallowing. But that's natural the first few times. Totally natural. It gets easier the more you do it. And what brand could possibly be more well-known than "SPUR-M"? Ask your grandma. I'll bet even she's heard of it.

-Experience three times longer orgasms
Now it's time for FUN WITH MATH! (5 x volume) = (3 x time interval) = Ouch! It would be like trying to hang onto a fire hose. God help anyone on the street if you've left the window open.

-World Wide shipping within 24 hours
That's not bad. The waiting period on a handgun is three days. With same-day shipping you could be on the street, fighting crime in a way that is guaranteed to make the news in under 48 hours. Just remember to pace yourself and keep hydrated. The war against crime has never been so sticky.

Click here (web address removed because the whole idea is stupid)

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

It wasn't that bad. I wonder if it's to be pronounced "sperm," "spur 'em," or "'leh-'nerd 'skin-'nerd."

Derek Knight said...

still: you funny.

Pat Angello said...

Isn't SPUR-M the Gatorade replacement at San Antonio Spurs games?

writer said...

Who writes that stuff?

AndyC said...

500% increase, huh?

So long for the ankle sock...

:)

Collin said...

Anon: Well, for me it was pretty out of character. I'll think these thoughts, but normally I suppress them. Especially on a site that my girlfriend's mother reads.

Derek: Thanks. Glad to hear it. I was getting worried that I was all out of funny again.

Pat: Sure. Why not. I'm not a big follower of sports so I have no idea what they might be swallowing on the court, or field, or airplane. Whatever.

Writer: Until I hear otherwise I've decided it's Evelyn. Unless you are referring to the bits I wrote, in which case... um... me.

Andy C: I'm pretty sure it wasn't offering a size increase.

Anonymous said...

As a volunteer fire fighter, I can see how something like this might be incredibly useful. Please forward me that link at once....

-Mark Maynard

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