Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Teenaged beer abuse

I left a comment at Monkey's blog about finding a beer bottle full of urine while working as an usher (although we were called "door", "staff" or "flunkies in a goof suit"...or "whizz gatherers" after that) after a Midnight movie and it reminded me of another find involving beer.

This time there were no stranger's bodily fluids involved. As far as I know.

Sean and I were on door that night and we were cleaning up the last theater to let out when we found four cans of unopened, cheap beer. I don't recall the brand, but it was something like Rainier Beer. And they were warm. And yeah, Sean is the projectionist that was with me during Pat's weapon demonstration. If you were at the theater long enough you wore many hats. Some even had bells on.

I'm not a big fan of beer and Sean didn't care for that brand. Also my bizarre imagination had no trouble picturing the beer's previous owner slobbering all over the can before leaving it behind. I'm odd like that. If I accidently drink from a strangers glass at a party it makes me feel like heaving until I spit out my toes. You know. When I get invited to parties. So it doesn't happen often. Although that reminds me of another story that I will relate tomorrow. Look at me and my stories!

So, I was going to toss them out when Sean said, "Wait! I have a better idea! When I take out the garbage I'll stash them by the dumpster and then later we can go sell them to some kids at the park!"

I'm joking.

Instead the plan was to stash them (we had to stash them because the manager working that night was a dick and opposed all forms of fun), then after the manager took off we were going to see if we could blow them up in the parking lot. Isn't that better?

So we finished up, the manager left and we considered just what to do with the beer that would make it go boom without involving Pat and his pistol. We finally decided to shake them up as much as possible and toss them as high as we could straight up into the air. Then run, of course.

We took turns shaking the first can up for about five minutes or so. It was very well shook. Then Sean tossed up the first one since it was his idea.

It was beautiful.

The can hit the ground and then shot straight back into the air, spinning like a top and spraying beer in a fine mist everywhere. We were laughing like loons. It didn't take long to finish off all four. Although the third one took an odd hop and hit somebody's car. The way I see it, it was their fault for leaving it near crazy people.

When the fun was done we tossed the empty cans in the dumpster and went our separate ways.

To this day, that was the most fun I've had destroying a carbonated beverage. I highly recommend it, but do be careful of the odd hops. And if you get hurt doing it, it's your own damned fault. You should have been more careful. Or should have known better. Or something that totally absolves me from blame.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."