Wednesday, October 13, 2004

What can I possibly say? Let's see!

Another internet product dissection. This one with a slightly political flavor.

Go have a look at W Ketchup. "You don't support democrats. Why should your ketchup?"

This reminds me of a comment that I made to Heather on the trip to the Park & Ride before this weekend's Bronco/Panthers game.

We saw a "Freedom" taxi turning ahead of us and I said, " That's showing those filthy FRENCH taxis!" Or something like that. I really don't listen to me all that often.

What that has to do with anything, I don't know. But check out that ketchup!

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From their "About" page:
(as usual, my comments are after the --- )

"W Ketchup comes in one flavor: American."

--- If Jeffry Dahmer were still around I'm sure he would give this ketchup a hearty thumbs up! ("It's as tasty on burgers as it is on boys!")

"In side-by-side taste tests of five leading brands, we found that W Ketchup is second to none"

--- Wait... what? So that makes it... first? Or was it just first in line? Too many number words! And who is this "We"? You? The makers of the ketchup? You see, usually taste tests are given to the general public to achieve that whole unbiased thing that products seek. I know, horribly democratic, yet traditional. And for that matter, other than Heinz, who are the other three? I demand full disclosure!

'Freedom Alliance President Tom Kilgannon said, "When I heard that W Ketchup was donating a portion of their sales to the Freedom Alliance Scholarship Fund, I shouted, 'Hot dog!' We relish the opportunity to be involved with such a great product and a great team."'

--- Hot dog AND relish. What a punny Prez. He must be a riot at parties.

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From their FAQ page:

"What does the "W" stand for?"
Our official position is that the "W" stands for "Washington".

--- Which implies the unofficial position is that it stands for something else. And, added to the Democrat bashing on the home page it's quite obvious what that something else is. That's right. "Wumplestiltskin"!

"Why do I have to buy 4 bottles?"
The added handling costs of unpacking, repacking, and shipping a single bottle would make it the most expensive ketchup you've ever tasted. We didn't want to sell a product that was priced too high for many people, so we decided upon the 4 bottle minimum in order to bring the average price down. The average price drops if you buy in bulk, so order a case of W Ketchup and share it with your friends!

--- To which I would ask "Why do you have it pre-boxed in sets of four, dummy?" And since when is the threat of a higher cost going to dissuade a Republican with a taste for the finer, politically approved, all-American ketchup?

"How long can I keep W Ketchup?"
The shelf life of W Ketchup is 24 months.

--- At which point our jackbooted representatives will drop by your house and forcibly retrieve any unfinished W Ketchup and administer a sound beating to one and all.

"What are the ingredients?"
W Ketchup contains: Tomato Concentrate (Water and Tomato Paste), High Fructose Corn Syrup, Corn Syrup, Vinegar, Salt, Dehydrated Onion, Spice and Natural Flavoring.

--- Two kinds of corn syrup? Sounds yummy. What do you think the "Natural Flavoring" is? My guess is "Americans". (Getting into the horror stricken Charlton Heston pose, "W KETCHUP IS DEMOCRATS!")

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Okay, now on to the "Order" page. Get this. The minimum order is four (4) bottles as mentioned above, right? So you would assume that you would have to order in groups of four (4, 8, 12, 40,000), right? Since to add in less than four would require that unpacking song and dance whined about earlier.

BUT NO!

After the first 4 (four) you can add on one bottle at a time (up to 12 total bottles). So my question now is, "Why can't I order that fifth (5th) bottle and you keep the first four (IV), dummy?"

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For added joy head over to read the "Comments". The politics are a'flyin'!

Also, be sure to stop by the "Press" page and see all of the spiffy press they've been getting. Presumably by people who aren't smartasses like I am.

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