Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The memory of what it feels like to not be sick...

... is what's keeping me going. It's only the start of the fourth day of sickliness. Third day on medication. I taste my lungs.

Sickly Rant(ish):

Last week I saw something on the web about a politico dude seeking to outlaw the placement of balls on vehicles. Luckily I had the foresight to save the link at the time, so you can read all about it here: Just say not to truck nuts.

I'm sure you've seen them. You've been in traffic behind a manly truck, SUV or motor scooter, looked down below the license plate and seen a silly-huge pair of plastic dinglies swinging back and forth. So this politician seeks to make the display of these fake nuts illegal. It's nice to know that with everything else going on in this country these days, he has time to worry about something like this. He also plays the "for the children" card. Dude, the kids are probably the ones laughing the most.

Are ball on trucks stupid? I certainly think so. I place them in the same category as fake bullet hole stickers and "Calvin" peeing on anything. Much like certain bumper stickers, it tells me at a glance what type of humor the driver has and that I'd be wise to avoid him/her provided I'm given a choice. To me, balls on the back of a truck aren't funny. Balls hanging from the driver's sun visor so they line up with his chin would be funny.

Should they be illegal? No. They should be ridiculed. Just be prepared to have your face punched by the type of person who doesn't like to have his idea of funny made fun of. That's when the law can get involved. The nuts themselves shouldn't be illegal.

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From the article, taken without permission, please don't sue me, my comments in red:

His bill would prohibit motorists from displaying anything resembling or depicting "anatomically correct" or "less than completely and opaquely covered" human or animal genitals, human buttocks or female breasts. The offense would carry a penalty.

So... if they are anatomically incorrect, would that be okay? Like, if there were three balls? Four? In different sizes and colors? What if they were clear plastic with goldfish in them? WHERE ARE THE LIMITS?

A hunter could still throw a freshly killed and uncovered deer in the back of his pickup, though, because the deer's body parts would be real, Myers said.

Does this mean that real parts would be allowed? That's even worse. Unless they belong to the driver. Then it's funny again.

Myers, 56, said he's trying to match the standards of Gov. Martin O'Malley (D), who has pledged to clean up the Chesapeake Bay. "We have a governor whose agenda is, 'Let's make us the best,' " the delegate said. "So let's clean up what our children are seeing on our roads."

Because, as we all know, children know what's best. Oh, and apples are oranges. Ooo! Here's an idea! Why not make a law that all children must be blindfolded while traveling? Sure, when they become adults they won't have any idea how to get anywhere, but at least they won't have seen anything that would have warped their wee brains.

(Myers) said he acted at the request of a constituent who was distressed by what he saw as he drove down a highway.

What kind of person would find that distressing? Maybe if they had your name on them, or they popped off the hitch, ricocheted off the road and came flying though your windshield. That would be distressing. But just seeing them wobbling along out there shouldn't distress you. Especially if you are a guy. If you are the kind of guy who goes into hysterics at the sight of plastic nuts, please, don't breed. Think of the children.

The truck ornament industry is not amused.

But really, when are they? Oh sure, back in the day when they first slapped a silhouette of a naked chick on a mud flap or when they landed the rights to Yosemite Sam ordering people to "BACK OFF!" they were a bit giddy. Since then, though, it's been lean ha-ha times. The renaissance of laughter seemed to be upon us with the creation of plastic testicles, but then lo and behold, a politico arrives on the scene to piss on the parade. Not one damned bit amused, thank you.

"It's not a perverted sexual thing at all," said David Ham, founder of Your Nutz, a San Diego-based business that sells more than 200 kinds of fake testicles. "It's a sense of humor. This lawmaker is looking out for two or three old women in tennis shoes. He's got too much time on his hands."

200 kinds? No freaking way! How does Ham know they are in tennis shoes? I'd imagine possibly loafers or even slipper socks. Don't pigeon hole the prudes to a single type of shoe. Or gender. Or age.

Ham said he shipped about 100 orders last year to customers in Maryland and Virginia. He said those who support a ban would do well to recall that 50 years ago, many people in the nation lived on farms. "Did all the little donkeys and sheep walk around with their panties on so children wouldn't see their bodies?" he asked.

Ham sounds like a fun guy to party with. Sure, he can be a bit condescending, but you know that wherever he is there is also beer. And oodles of dick jokes.
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If, sanity forbid, this bill passes, I can't wait to see the first signs at the border ordering people to check their parts or face stiff penalties.

3 comments:

Totsie said...

I haven't found anything remotely smirk-worthy since the Darwin fish. Vehicles and private parts need no adornment. That's my rule.

PS - New reader, and I'm enjoying so far. :)

Heather said...

You get sick, you get freakin' funny! Not that you're not funny when you're well but that was just fun reading.

I may not think balls on trucks are funny but to each their own. If I tell someone they can't have balls on their truck then they could tell me to take my Bronco head off my mirror. And we wouldn't want that!

Derek Knight said...

there's a fella' down the road from me who has these Truck Nutz® except for his look more like saggy, old-lady boobies. He's not amused anymore, either.

"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."