Thursday, October 06, 2005

How's about some observational humor?

You ever stop to wonder about the phrase, "You sure look sharp." or, "My you look smart."? I did, this morning while sitting on the bathroom floor after taking a shower and trying to decide if I really cared to go to work today. It was another of those things that just passes through my head, making a mess before leaving.

Those are dumb phrases. If someone says either of those to you, in the back of your mind do you think for a moment that the rest of what they would say if they were to keep talking would run along the lines of, "Normally you look down right retarded. Way to go, Sparky! Way to bump up your apparent IQ! Look! Your socks match and everything! Do a pirouette and let me see the rest of you... Damn you are indeed sharp today! You've even cut back on the drooling!"?

Sure, it probably wasn't actually meant that way, but if you are at all like me it still might get you wondering.

Einstein was a hell of a smart guy, but in every photo I've ever seen of him the last thing he looks is "sharp". Comfy, sure. Rumpled, perhaps. Even like the last bum off the cattle car at times. He was so smart he didn't care how he looked. Do you think anyone, ever, in his entire life, came up to him and said he looked smart? If they did I hope he just stared at them from behind that Einstein face until they got uncomfortable and left.

"Did your mom dress you today?" What kind of thing is this to say? Who's being insulted here? You or your mother? I think no matter how you slice it, it's your mother. The implication is that you are currently dressed like an imbecile, so who's fault is that? If your mother DID dress you and you look like an idiot, then obviously she's insane. If she didn't dress you, yet you still look like she did, then the person saying it must be familiar with her work and is telling you that you look like you've been dressed by a crazy woman. I think that you shouldn't spend any more time thinking it over and should just punch that person in the face. If he asks you why you did that just let out a shriek and punch him again. He should stop criticizing your clothes and insulting your mom in no time.

How about, "My, you sure clean up well"? You ever have that said to you? You probably have unless you "look sharp" on a daily basis or have yet to "clean up". The last time I heard that was at Derek's wedding. I was part of the wedding party and was dressed in a rented tux for the first time in my life. I must have heard that phrase from everyone that knew me from the days when I wasn't cleaned up well. Talk about a paranoia kick start. Essentially it says to me that I look much better in someone else's wardrobe. The fact that it's probably true doesn't help.

But really, what can I do? My skills at dressing myself peaked when I was finally able to match the proper piece of clothing to the proper body part. Socks to feet, pants to legs, shirt to torso, hat to head, to hell with the rest. Oh yeah, underwear inside the pants, big hole around the belly. Ta-da! Now I'm off to do things.

I never got around to the idea of matching the clothes to each other. Seriously. I'm warm. Leave me alone. My ex is big on making sure socks match for the kids, and for herself for that matter. I aim for similar shape, size and color and as few extra holes as possible. Grey can be similar to white if you squint.

To give you an idea of the type of clothing that I thought looked good as a child, my favorite shirt when I was (wait for it) nine-ish was a faded t-shirt that had a little cartoon penguin wearing a knit cap on it, sitting on a block of ice with the word "COOL" underneath. There you have it. My fashion roots. I wore that shirt OUT. And still I held on to the faded and tattered remains of it for at least a couple more years, folded up neatly in the bottom of my shirt drawer. At some point during my shattered childhood I lost track of it, but it's just as well. I would just be tempted to wear it and that would be not-sharp. So I've heard.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."