Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Another Blasphemous Wednesday

Hello everyone. I thought that today I would take some time to mention a church that is rather close to me. Not in an attachment way. Just a geographical way. It's about a mile from me. It's one of at least six in a mile radius around where I live, not counting any coven dens or gatherings of Stanists that I may be unaware of.

So what makes this particular church stand out to me more than any of the others?

Their flagpole.

Yes, that's right. It's not their commitment to God that has drawn me to them. I'm not even sure which brand of God they are selling. They have a tiny sign near the road that is positioned in such a way that I can never make out exactly what it says when I drive past. Too many small letters for 35 m.p.h. "Methodontaladventarianists" perhaps. I really can't say. Although, if I were to judge solely from their choice in flag poles... Heck, a picture is worth 1000 words, right? Well, here' s 3000 words for you, with a few extra tacked on because sometimes 3000 just isn't enough:



These photos were taken at dusk, so the lighting isn't that great. Sorry. And yes, that's a full sized Colorado state flag waving majestically in the wind from atop that mighty pole. I am, of course, kidding. That flag never waves, even on the windiest day. The best it can manage is a bit of flutter before it clings to the pole once again as though afraid of falling.



Here's a side view. If you look closely you may notice that the pole is actually thicker than the gold ball at the top. Now I've never gone to flagpole design school, but that just strikes me as wrong. Wrong and silly. If you're going to buy the thickest pole possible, you'd best get a big ball too. Something small just isn't going to look bigger from the ground.



Seriously. How does something like this happen?

Did God tell the pastor/preacher/shaman to build a mighty thick pole from which to dangle the state's colors? "I SAID AN ARK! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR EARS, MAN? HOW DO YOU GET 'FAT FLAGPOLE' FROM ARK?!"

Was it erected shortly after 9/11 with the intention of displaying a giant United States flag only to discover that we don't have enough wind to keep it waving and having it just hang there was making everyone sad?

Was there simply an amazing sale on poles that day?

Does it have the power to cure impotence among the faithful?

If so, does it involve "stroking the pole"?

Are you surprised that's the only intentional dick joke I've made about this thing?

Alas, we may never know real reason for that flagpole's creation.

Oh sure, I could go to the church, knock on the door and ask whoever answers I suppose, but then I'm likely to be given the "hard sell" and before you know it I''ll be immeshed in some kind of flagpole cult. To be honest, it's a risk I'm not willing to take no matter what the answer might be.

You go ask.

9 comments:

Andy K said...

The answer to your "small ball" concern can be found here...

http://www.vapshare.com/2679/real-big-balls.html

Collin said...

You are an evil man Andy.

Derek Knight said...

hey, it's like one of those bouncy balls that kids hop around on.

That poor, poor man...

Anyhow, yeah...fat flagpole...huh.

Robyn said...

Are there very strong winds in your area? Do regular size flag poles ever blow down? They really should get a bigger flag, for scale. I bet some parishoner's relative is in the flagpole business somewhere. Or they got it a Going Out of Business Sale for some military facility. What a great blog topic!

Heather said...

Ah, finally - The Flag Pole. I never would have realized just how huge that thing was until you pointed it out. Great post, baby!

Pat Angello said...

If I had a flag pole like that, I'd never leave the house.

Catnapping said...

hmm...very phallic. could be the church elders have um...extension issues...

Conqueress said...

I feel sorry for the little flag... It's such a fantastic flag pole. They really should invest in a flag that nearly touches the ground! I'm still giggling from the photos. YAY!!!

Jared said...

This reminds me of the Lighthouse the Baptist Church built in the center of downtown Jacksonville in the late 90's. It's huge and to scale, but built on the corner of one of their properties, in this case a 8-level parking garage. SO on the corner of this one parking garage is a big black and white barber-shop pole-style Lighthouse with a big cross on it. There's a light inside, but the police made them shut it off when, after the first night of them running it everyone complained that there was A GIANT LIGHTHOUSE SHINING CHRISTIAN LIGHT INTO THEIR WINDOWS AT 3 IN THE MORNING. So the thing's defunct, but still there, this weird, faded broken-down lighthouse....in the middle of downtown slums.

Surreal, right?
-jared

"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."