Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's Spammer Time!

You know you love it, even though you never say so.

I've just received one of the most curious spam emails that I've ever received.

The subject was "Software".

That's not the curious bit. Nothing new there.

The sender's name was "Masturbation H. Inculcating" and the domain name of the email address was "goldenbeaver.com".

That combined with the subject is the curious bit.

It seems to me that this guy is in the wrong spam field. With a name like "Masturbation" and the domain "goldenbeaver" he's destined to be selling skin mag subscriptions, impotency drugs or latex constructed, form-fitting sex part substitutes. Not Photoshop, Freehand and Windows at low-low prices. Silly spammer shouldn't fight destiny. That just leads to smiting and tears.

And the following was the second most curious spam email and was waiting no less than six times in my inbox when I got back from vacation, so there's a good chance you've already seen it in your own inbox. Although that's not going to keep me from deconstructing it:



If my geek genes aren't lying to me, that's the villain "Shredder" from the comic/cartoon/movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles *ahem* "driving from the back seat".

The drive-ie ("driven", I guess) seems to be – and here I might be totally wrong – the reporter chick that always hung out with the Turtles*. It looks like she was just using them until she could "get her freak on" with Shredder. Isn't that just like a reporter?

Now let's talk about the phrase "I'm your woozy-oozy cutie little brain!" ...

...

Um. Yeah. It looks like the reporter is saying it, based on the wee line running between the text and her noggin. If that's the case, what is the spammer trying to tell us? Take our pills and they'll hammer your brain like Shredder from the rear? Is this a good thing?

I guess so, because "Our pills made him so sweet!" Oh sure, not "flowers and candy" sweet, but c'mon! What do you expect? It's Shredder we're talking about here. Just be glad you don't have to look at him as he's poking holes in your brain.

And who, who, whooooooo are they using the image to sell to? WHO? Is it possible that the spammer has no idea what the image was based on? Was he was just browsing along when he stumbled across it and thought, "Hey! That's perfect! It has everything! A guy in a mask and cape with arm doohickies and no pants making sweet, sweet love to a hot cartoon redhead! That's EXACTLY what our pills offer!"? I am boggled.
...

I've been looking at this image far too long now. Based on the position of Shredder's hands it looks to me as though he's about to smack the reporter on the ass: "Who's my woozy-oozy cutie little brain?" *WHACK!* "That's right. You are."

---

* In my preemptive defense, I'm aware of the original comic books because they came out when I was a teenager. I reviled the movies and know of the cartoons only because my brother was really into them when he was a kid. In no way am I fond of any part of the franchise past the first few issues of the original comic. In spite of all that I feel as though I reek of geek.

9 comments:

Andy K said...

Cowabunghole dude!

Conqueress said...

Did Andy really just say that? LOL! That's a great little in-box treasure (no pun intended).

Derek Knight said...

holy...Jesus.

When you showed that to me a couple days ago, I thought it was odd. Now, I'm deeply deeesturbed. Still, it's comedy gold.

The Retropolitan said...

"Cutie brain"?

I've never known a man to objectify a woman's intelligence before. But I guess evil ninja masterminds are different.

Heather said...

I find it interesting that they used baby talk instead of something a tinch filthier..."woozy-oozy??" Bizarre!

Prof. Noriaki Kakyouin said...

Ah... hentai... what pills can't you sell?

Prof. Noriaki Kakyouin said...

Then again... were those pilss that HE took to make him sweet or pills that he dropped into her drink at a nightclub when she wasn't looking.

She is saying that she's a 'little brain'. That might imply that she's gone dumb because of the pills. GAH! SHREDDER! How could you?

Debra said...

Wow. The entire internet-using population is apparently suffereing from some turtle-esque illness. Just the toher day all I could think about was Krang. We all remember Krang, right? The villian-dude from TMNT with the big pink brain in the jar thing?

And yeah, it does look like she's in for quite the spanking! April, you've been a very, very naughty girl!

Jared said...

Sweet Mother of God, what kind of websites do you visit to get Spam like that?
-jared

"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."