Two things.

First, Jared over at Head Injury Theater is beginning his 214 hour Art Crash today or late last night since he's in holed-up in Germany. His goal is to paint 214 paintings within 214 consecutive hours. You can read more about the insanity here: Art Crash 214 and can even watch paint dry with the Web Cam that he's set up. You can also put in an odd request or two. No guarantee he'll paint it, but you never know.

Update: Jared's site appears to be having technical problems. In the meantime you can find out more from his Blogger site.

WARNING: Bodily fluids discussed at length for the remainder of the post. If you are my mother, my boss, or anyone who would like to maintain the belief that I'm not occasionally disgusting, stop reading now.

Second, I'm getting mighty tired of the spamming community being so gosh darned concerned with the quantity and quality of my semen lately. Last year they kept telling me that my penis was tiny. I said, "Nononono. It's fine. Leave it be." Now they say my tank is a few quarts low and if I was any kind of real man I'd be producing much, much more. Gobs more (sorry, couldn't resist).

Hey spammers! Stop poking around in my pants!

Here's the subject line of an email I just received that inspired this bit'o the post:

"Safe way to drown your girlfriend in cum!" sent to me by "Pam Lynch".

Oh, really? Safe? SAFE?! How can it possibly be safe?! Oh, sure, you might make it through okay, but your girlfriend is dead and there's no way in HELL a few tissues will be enough to hide the evidence! DNA testing, anyone? Enough to "get the job done" would leave far more than trace.

Who are they trying to entice with a line like that?

Crazy Guy reading his email: "Man, Barbara has really been riding my ass lately. I wish I could think of a way to do her in, but good. Drowning might work, but water is so dangerous. Hey-o! What's this? 'Safe way to drown your girlfriend in cum!' Woo-hoo! She'll never see it coming!"

If you decide to go that route you might as well hand yourself over to the police or wait 15 minutes and do yourself in too. I mean, what possible defense could you use? "I was polishing it and it went off"? "I had no idea she was in the room"? "She was like that when I woke up"?

Off to jail with you, Sticky McGee!

Can you imagine explaining to your cellmate why you are in prison?

Crazy Guy: So, what are you in for?

Cellmate: Armed robbery that went wrong. I allegedly shot a teller. You?

CG: Drowned my girlfriend in cum.

CM: ... I see...

(awkward silence and oodles of eye avoidance)

And that's enough of that. Have a great Wednesday all.