Monday, February 28, 2005

It's Spam-tastic!

Yes, here I go again. My comments are in red. I hope you enjoy it.

From: "BILL OWENS."
Date: February 17, 2005 11:47:51 AM MST
To: me
Subject: BILL OWENS.
Reply-To: obills012@netscape.net

Good day,
Howdy stranger!
As you read this, I don't expect you to feel sorry for me because, I believe everyone will die someday.
Why so glum, chum?
My name is Bill Owens, a Real Estate developer in Toronto, Canada.
Hi Bill! How's Canada? Seen a moose yet? I hear they have them there.
I have been diagnosed with lung cancer, which has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.
So Canada could be treating you better, eh? I'm sorry to hear that your cancer is defiling all those treatments. I hope it isn't deflowering them as well.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous;
I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.
Correct me if I'm wrong, or mistaken here, but I have the impression that you only cared for your business. Is that right? And you should not be so hard on yourself, Bill. Nobody says that the rich need to also be generous. Just look at those French aristocrats back in 1789. They literally walked all over people and it never came back to haunt them. Be proud of your riches Bill! Flaunt it! Rub it in the faces of the less deserving.
Now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
Do you now? Well, bless you Bill. That's a wonderful thing to discover when you are literally months away from Death's door. Forget what I said earlier. You go!
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.
Mmmmm. Sorry to break it to you Bill, but God doesn't allow return trips. Nosir. You have a one way ticket to your final destination and they've lost your luggage. But hey! You've got a couple months to turn it all around! Now if only there were a way... If only!
Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.
Not quite what I was thinking of Bill. You might want to rethink that. Odds are it was your friends and family that gave you the cancer. Had you thought of that? Well you should! It's widely known that they are a leading cause. Worse than cigarettes and Canada. Combined!
I ask God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so; I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.
I dunno. Charities are all well and good, but really. What can they possibly do with large sums of money? They would likely just fritter it away on hookers and crippled orphans. Where's the point in that. Think harder Bill!
So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in Ethiopia, Haiti and Bosnia.
Dammit Bill! Slow down buddy!
Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.
See? You've gone and tuckered yourself out. I warned you. Now how are you going to disburse your money Bill?! HOW!?!
I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money, which I have there to charity organizations in Sudan and to The Red Cross; they refused and kept the money to themselves.
See Bill, not only do they cause cancer but they are greedy pricks as well. Too bad you don't have a friend like me. I'm honest to a fault.
Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.
See? Pricks. But to be fair Bill, it's tough to be contended. Wait. What am I saying?! Screw "fair!" Kill them all Bill. You only have a couple months left and they are likely to scatter like cockroaches once the whacking starts. You need to be quick and ruthless! And in your final days you need to set up a hitman trust fund to weed out any that escaped. Possibly rent out a building and advertise it as "Free Booty for the distant relatives of Bill Owens" and then have them capped as the cross the threshold. Just think about it. Not only will you rid the world of your greedy family, but you'll also be fighting cancer. It will please God, Bill. You want to please God don't you? You better want to.
The last of my money that no one knows about is the huge cash deposit of Eighteen Million US dollars (US$18,000,000.00) that I have with a deposit company abroad.
No one? You mean the only two people who know about it are you and me Bill? Seriously? But... But... why are you telling me this Bill? Why are you telling poor, honest little me about this large, written out and numbered, round sum of money that you have stored in an abroad deposit company rather than, oh, a bank?
Acknowledge this message so that I can introduce you to my lawyer who will handle the transfer of receivership by you of the said funds.
Okay! You bet'cha! umm... wait a minute Bill. I thought only you and I knew about this money. Are you trying to cross me Bill? I'm mean and vindictive when crossed. I'll make your final months a living Hell.
I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.
Well, okay then. As long as it's what YOU want Bill, you can trust me! I'll be sure it's all dispatched to the proper people in a timely manner.
My lawyer shall put you in the picture of the funds, tell you where the funds are currently being maintained and also discuss modalities including remuneration for your services.
That's simply awesome Bill! I love being in fund pictures! I'm so glad that you chose ME out of all of the millions of people that you could have instead! It's like God is guiding you Bill. Telling you that I can be trusted with this monumental task. And you can tell that it's God because he's not allowing you to realize that it would be far easier to have your lawyer, who is right there, handle the distribution of the money. I mean, sure, he knows all about that kind of thing, but he's a lawyer! God knows they can't be trusted. Far better to use an anonymous internet dweller that God has recommended. It's the Hand of God, Bill. Don't fight the Hand! When you are in God's Hands, the last thing you want Him to have to do is clap to get your attention! That and visit the loo.
For these reasons kindly furnish your
Contact information, that is your full names, personal telephone and fax number for confidential purpose.
They call me Ishmael, Bill. I live on the sea. I have no phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury. No fax either. I've been floating out here for a thousand years and I recently discovered that if I stick a wire into my skull at one special spot I can log onto the internet for free! Can you believe it?! And if you'll send me your contact information, that is your full names, personal telephone and fax number and a bank check for Eighteen Million US dollars (US$18,000,000.00) I'll tell you the secret.
God be with you and your family.
And may the Force be with YOU, Bill. Always. Or the next couple of months or so at least.
Note I will prefer you contact me with my private email address, which is owenb012@netscape.net
BILL OWENS.

3 comments:

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