Monday, February 28, 2005

It's Spam-tastic!

Yes, here I go again. My comments are in red. I hope you enjoy it.

From: "BILL OWENS."
Date: February 17, 2005 11:47:51 AM MST
To: me
Subject: BILL OWENS.
Reply-To: obills012@netscape.net

Good day,
Howdy stranger!
As you read this, I don't expect you to feel sorry for me because, I believe everyone will die someday.
Why so glum, chum?
My name is Bill Owens, a Real Estate developer in Toronto, Canada.
Hi Bill! How's Canada? Seen a moose yet? I hear they have them there.
I have been diagnosed with lung cancer, which has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.
So Canada could be treating you better, eh? I'm sorry to hear that your cancer is defiling all those treatments. I hope it isn't deflowering them as well.
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous;
I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for.
Correct me if I'm wrong, or mistaken here, but I have the impression that you only cared for your business. Is that right? And you should not be so hard on yourself, Bill. Nobody says that the rich need to also be generous. Just look at those French aristocrats back in 1789. They literally walked all over people and it never came back to haunt them. Be proud of your riches Bill! Flaunt it! Rub it in the faces of the less deserving.
Now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
Do you now? Well, bless you Bill. That's a wonderful thing to discover when you are literally months away from Death's door. Forget what I said earlier. You go!
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.
Mmmmm. Sorry to break it to you Bill, but God doesn't allow return trips. Nosir. You have a one way ticket to your final destination and they've lost your luggage. But hey! You've got a couple months to turn it all around! Now if only there were a way... If only!
Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.
Not quite what I was thinking of Bill. You might want to rethink that. Odds are it was your friends and family that gave you the cancer. Had you thought of that? Well you should! It's widely known that they are a leading cause. Worse than cigarettes and Canada. Combined!
I ask God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so; I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.
I dunno. Charities are all well and good, but really. What can they possibly do with large sums of money? They would likely just fritter it away on hookers and crippled orphans. Where's the point in that. Think harder Bill!
So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in Ethiopia, Haiti and Bosnia.
Dammit Bill! Slow down buddy!
Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.
See? You've gone and tuckered yourself out. I warned you. Now how are you going to disburse your money Bill?! HOW!?!
I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money, which I have there to charity organizations in Sudan and to The Red Cross; they refused and kept the money to themselves.
See Bill, not only do they cause cancer but they are greedy pricks as well. Too bad you don't have a friend like me. I'm honest to a fault.
Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.
See? Pricks. But to be fair Bill, it's tough to be contended. Wait. What am I saying?! Screw "fair!" Kill them all Bill. You only have a couple months left and they are likely to scatter like cockroaches once the whacking starts. You need to be quick and ruthless! And in your final days you need to set up a hitman trust fund to weed out any that escaped. Possibly rent out a building and advertise it as "Free Booty for the distant relatives of Bill Owens" and then have them capped as the cross the threshold. Just think about it. Not only will you rid the world of your greedy family, but you'll also be fighting cancer. It will please God, Bill. You want to please God don't you? You better want to.
The last of my money that no one knows about is the huge cash deposit of Eighteen Million US dollars (US$18,000,000.00) that I have with a deposit company abroad.
No one? You mean the only two people who know about it are you and me Bill? Seriously? But... But... why are you telling me this Bill? Why are you telling poor, honest little me about this large, written out and numbered, round sum of money that you have stored in an abroad deposit company rather than, oh, a bank?
Acknowledge this message so that I can introduce you to my lawyer who will handle the transfer of receivership by you of the said funds.
Okay! You bet'cha! umm... wait a minute Bill. I thought only you and I knew about this money. Are you trying to cross me Bill? I'm mean and vindictive when crossed. I'll make your final months a living Hell.
I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.
Well, okay then. As long as it's what YOU want Bill, you can trust me! I'll be sure it's all dispatched to the proper people in a timely manner.
My lawyer shall put you in the picture of the funds, tell you where the funds are currently being maintained and also discuss modalities including remuneration for your services.
That's simply awesome Bill! I love being in fund pictures! I'm so glad that you chose ME out of all of the millions of people that you could have instead! It's like God is guiding you Bill. Telling you that I can be trusted with this monumental task. And you can tell that it's God because he's not allowing you to realize that it would be far easier to have your lawyer, who is right there, handle the distribution of the money. I mean, sure, he knows all about that kind of thing, but he's a lawyer! God knows they can't be trusted. Far better to use an anonymous internet dweller that God has recommended. It's the Hand of God, Bill. Don't fight the Hand! When you are in God's Hands, the last thing you want Him to have to do is clap to get your attention! That and visit the loo.
For these reasons kindly furnish your
Contact information, that is your full names, personal telephone and fax number for confidential purpose.
They call me Ishmael, Bill. I live on the sea. I have no phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxury. No fax either. I've been floating out here for a thousand years and I recently discovered that if I stick a wire into my skull at one special spot I can log onto the internet for free! Can you believe it?! And if you'll send me your contact information, that is your full names, personal telephone and fax number and a bank check for Eighteen Million US dollars (US$18,000,000.00) I'll tell you the secret.
God be with you and your family.
And may the Force be with YOU, Bill. Always. Or the next couple of months or so at least.
Note I will prefer you contact me with my private email address, which is owenb012@netscape.net
BILL OWENS.

Watch This Flash Video!


Seriously. I received a link to this in an email from my friend Justin C. It is the most creative and well done Flash movie/music video I've seen yet. If you are using Firefox you can save the movie by saving the page. You can later view the .swf file using iSwiff on the Mac. Alternatively, I finally tracked down the standalone Flash player for the Macintosh that you can get here.

CliparToon #20: It's Monday again.



Happy "Last day of February," go taunt a monkey.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

"People I Hardly Remember"

(cue inspiring drums and stuff)

I'm going to try this out. I'm not aiming for funny with these. Anything funny is very likely unintentional. I'm going to dredge my shaky memory for people that I can dimly recall and talk about the impact they've had on my life. Some of them I wish I could remember more fully, others I would just as soon forget. Doesn't that sound fun? Here we go:

(more drums)(and stuff)

When I was a wee tot (well, not THAT wee. I was 9.*) my mom took a job that required me to be put in a daycare situation. This would have been prior to my latchkey days, but not preferable. The woman in who's care I was placed was large as I recall. And friendly when another adult was around.

I remember one day, as I was waiting for my mother to come pick me up, this woman was sitting on the couch and crying. I asked her why she was so sad. She told me that "The King is dead."

I said, "what King?"

She: "You know, Elvis. Don't you know who Elvis is?"

Me: "I think so. You must have loved him to be crying like that. Did you want to marry him?"

She: "Oh yes. All women wanted to marry Elvis"

Me: "Does your husband know?"

She just laughed at that.

She had a son near my age, perhaps a couple of years older but he spent the days at school (it was the year-round school I mentioned before, and he was in a different group than I was). The rest of the children she watched were at least two years younger than me. She would keep us in the basement. The cement floored, dimly lit, musty basement. There were toys there, mostly stuff that had been cast off from her son, and not enough to keep the kids from fighting over. I remember the rules were we had to stay in the basement (she locked the door) all day and STAY QUIET! Lunch was brought down and at some point during the day she would check diapers and change as needed. I and the other one or two bathroom dependent children would have to knock on the door when we had to go. If she felt that we were abusing this system we would have to hold it all day. So that was how I spent my days, locked in a stinky basement with around six smelly, fighting, crying children about half my age or younger with a growing fear of knocking on the door. That was my vacation from my year-round school.

There was one girl who was 6 or 7 that came for awhile. She had a crush on me, but I was too old for her. In spite of our age difference, I really missed her when she stopped coming. There was another kid who had nasal problems. His nose would fill with snot that would harden into a plug if it wasn't suctioned out regularly. I recall that at one point he had to be taken to the doctor to have the snot drilled out. In spite of this he was a pretty happy child. And there was one more that was walloped in the head with a block hard enough to send him to the hospital. After that, no more toys for awhile.

My mom worked pretty late, as I recall, so I was nearly always the last to go home. It seemed to annoy the woman at times and I felt like she blamed me. There was one night where it was past dinnertime and she grudgingly fed me. I may be totally wrong, but I think her husband came home and was angry that I was still there.

Eventually I got on her good side and she would let me spend time out of the basement and eat lunch at the table with her and her son. I became friends with her son mostly out of necessity. He was pretty much a spoiled prick, but it beat the alternative. All day long she would be planted on the sofa watching soap operas and game shows. Any time she had to deal with one of the children it would piss her off. Yes, she was a saint.

One other person I remember from those days was a friend of the woman's son. He was a quiet kid. He always had his right arm down his pants. When I asked the son why I found out the kid was missing the lower half of his arm, a few inches down from his elbow and that it embarrassed him. Eventually he showed me. It was a birth defect, so it didn't just cut off. It sort of tapered down to a little nub and was pale and smelled a bit funny from being kept in his pants all the time. It was my first introduction to a physical abnormality. It bothered me that he felt embarrassed and I tried to convince him that he shouldn't hide it all the time, but no dice. Of all the kids from those days I wonder what happened with him the most.

I don't remember why I stopped having to spend the day there, but whatever it was I'm sure I was grateful. I graduated to walking myself home, letting myself into the house, making a snack and then reading or whatever until my mom got home. It was quite nice and I didn't get into too much trouble.

---
*I know Heather, everything happened when I was 9. But this time I know it's true because Elvis died August 16, 1977 and I was born in '68. So finally, a memory that I KNOW I was 9 for.

CliparToon #19: Math humour

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Fun with Spam



I would say, judging from their expressions, they're looking at girl-on-girl porn together on the ol' laptop. Why? Because he looks quite pleased and she's exhibiting disinterest mixed with curiosity and self loathing. Seriously, could they find another woman who looked like she wanted to be there any less than this one? I'm thinking no. Way to go, ad guys!

I recall seeing someone write about "Cialis Soft Tabs" at their blog awhile back. I only remember it because it was revealed that "Cialis" is a erectile dysfunction drug and I pointed out that "Soft Tabs" is a stupid name for something that is supposed to make you hard.

So.

On to the text:

Save up to 70% (70%)
So are you saying that normally it's that overpriced? Or will we (a very hypothetical "we") be getting ours in an alley from a guy in a trench coat who sniffs a lot and twitches?

No prescription required
Yes. Those side-alley salesmen don't usually worry about the paperwork that drug distribution normally requires. They're flexible.

You can mix alcohol drinks with these pills
Is that a serving suggestion? A prank idea? A new date rape drug just for the ladies to even things up a bit?

Acts up to 36hr. (36)
"Dear God pleaaasssseeeee! Every time I roll over I wake up screaming! I'm so tired... so tired."

Effective for 95% of the patients
You other 5% just give it up and put on a dress. Something frilly that brings out your eyes.

Only 15 minutes till you feel the effect
and then say "goodbye" to pants for the next 36 hours or so. Avoid drafts. And church.

Moneyback guarantee
"Sure buddy. I'll hang around at least 15 minutes. I promise"

Fast descreet delivery
We use ninjas. In weenie hats. It makes them faster and sneakier. There isn't a ninja on the payroll that would want to get caught in that hat.
(oh, and no biggie, but you misspelled "discreet")

Worldwide shipping
What can I say? There isn't a corner of this world where there isn't a man that needs a woody. And if he has a mailbox, by God, he'll get one! In a week or so plus 15 minutes.

CliparToon #18: My house is a mess.



It's a good thing I never decided to become a serial killer. I would have been caught in no time. And I feel too sick right now to be any funnier than that. How pathetic is that? Sorry. I do have a post in my drafts that I did yesterday that I recall being funny, so I'll post that.

Have a good, wait... make that a GREAT Thursday. You've earned it.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

What can I say?



In spite of his evil tendencies, Derek is awesome. I was only kidding when I left him a comment that he needed to get cracking on my site's theme song. Sure enough, he got cracking, and I really like the result. What do you think?

(I've moved the theme song to below my header.)

Thanks Derek!

Is it just me?



Is it just me or do you occasionally find yourself in the bathroom working hard at accomplishing Nature's demands when it suddenly occurs to you that this is how Elvis died*? And since you are nowhere nearly as famous as Elvis was, once you are dead that's it and if you're remembered at all it won't be for your music, art, or generosity but rather that you were that guy (or gal) who kicked it in the crapper and perhaps you might want to consider taking a breath and relaxing before something pops that shouldn't? I really hope that isn't just me.

---
* Actually, I'm not sure if that was how Elvis died, I just recall it being said that he was found in the bathroom. One telling I heard, when it was rather fresh in the mind and I was rather young, had the additional details of "with his pants around his ankles, clutching a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken." I'm reasonably sure that bit was a joke, but I can't say it hasn't made an impression on me. For once Wikipedia wasn't much help. Although here under "How did Elvis die?" they say he was found in the bathroom with his pajama bottoms around his ankles. No mention of KFC though.

CliparToon #17: I wonder if they moo.



Despite appearances, I'm not in favor of actual baby tippin'. Although there was a time when Jordyn was very little (pre-walking age) when she would pull herself up in her baby bed and press her head against the mesh and smile at me. And then I would take my index finger, put it against her head and poke her lightly. She would fall over backwards, giggling, then roll over, crawl back up and we would do it again. She seemed to enjoy it.

But "actual" baby tippin', out in the wild, on the sidewalk: not nice. Shame on you Carol!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Oh... my... God... (and yours too, presumably)

I saw this at a site the other day and just HAD to share...



And no, it wasn't at a porn site.

Do they not have people with flexible (i.e. "dirty") minds look at these things before approving them? I understand that it's supposed to be a tall glass of milk (not quite why though), but talk about a horrible decision to taper it the way they did. And don't even get me started on the *blorp!* of white stuff on the gingerbread man's head.

Poor, poor gingerbread man.

I'll bet he didn't know he was signing up for a bukkake ad, judging from the expression on his face.

CliparToon #16: A collage of sorts



This was probably funnier in my head than it is in reality. When browsing our clipart for ideas I stumbled across the construction worker and it all just clicked in my very oddly organized noggin. Then I had to find the rest of the band, but I came up one short.

Happy Tuesday all.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Well, that was a good chuckle.

Jon Stewart's Daily Show on Bloggers 02/16/05

I don't recall the path I took to get here (it wasn't boing boing though: surprise!) since I had closed the linking site before getting around to watching it so I can't give proper credit.

Still. Funny segment. I really need to make an effort to watch the Daily Show.

Welcome to America

land of prudes and fanatics. Please leave your jiggly-fun-bits at the border and enjoy your visit.

Muralist's vision has jail staring him in face: found via boingboing.

I really just don't know. Do these fundamentally (emphasis on "mental") oriented people who profess to believe in God and His Wisdom really think that Eve was created with pre-placed pasties? Are they so afraid of a bare boob that they are going to toss reason out the window? Why do they react this way when confronted with a nipple or two?



Okay, fine, in order to obtain the variance that allowed him to paint the wall he agreed to "no letters" and "no inclusion of genitalia" and he didn't abide by that as far as the word "Love" goes but – and I could be wrong here – I've always thought that "genitals" were limited to that bit that lives where your legs meet. Breasts aren't genitals. Nowhere is there any mention in the article that you can spy Eve's beaver, so the problem is with her "happy fun bags" which, if they aren't genitals*, weren't covered under his agreement.

Half the population of the world owns a pair and the other half want to see them, either openly or secretly. I'm leaving sexual preference out of this because I would imagine for every guy that is repulsed by them there is a woman willing to to have a peek. And the bisexuals can pick up the slack.

Is it to "protect the children"? One of my earliest posts brought this up. THEY WERE MADE FOR THE CHILDREN, you ignorant, self loathing bastards! Instead of fighting the flesh that God has chosen to give us, how about fighting ignorance and intolerance before things get irrevocably out of hand?

This is seriously fucked up and is one more reason to fear the future. That is if you enjoy things like "art" and "sex" and would prefer to enjoy them without government, or other third party interference, either together or separately. Like a Resse's peanut butter cup**, "You've got your breast in my artwork!" "You got your artwork on my breast!" "MmmmMMmmMMM!"

Hopefully, this will go the way of the earlier case of artistic repression that bb posted about and be tossed out of court.

---
*gen•i•tals pl.n. The reproductive organs, especially the external sex organs.

They don't even have to be touched to make a baby, therefor they aren't "reproductive" organs ("Remember kids! If you don't twiddle the knobs a baby won't pop out!"). Just because they are great fun to play with, it doesn't make them integral to the baby-makin' process. They are functional and useful AFTER the baby arrives, but in the meantime they are icing on the cake. Not genitals.

**Good Lord... I'm starting to feel like a differently bizarre Forrest Gump with my whole (apparent) Reese's fixation.

Clipartoon #15: It's just another manic Monday. (oh-woe)



I wish it was Sunday. (oh-woe). 'Cause that's my fun day. (oh-woe). My 'I don't have to run' day. (oh).

I think that about says it all.

Friday, February 18, 2005

BlogBlogBlogerBlogBloggityBlog

Anyone else tired of that word yet?

OpinionJournal - Peggy Noonan "The Blogs Must Be Crazy"

I found that article via CasdraBlog and concluded that it was an interesting read that I would pass along. It's not entirely applicable to a blogger like myself who virtually never reports anything newsworthy first hand.

"A blogger like myself"... I wonder just what category of blogger I fall into. For that matter, I wonder what categories of bloggers there are. I'm not the type that talks about what he had for breakfast or what he watched on TV last night unless it's a small part of a larger story.

I suppose what I mainly do would be called an "Entertainment" blog, or a "Storytelling" blog, or a "Way to waste a few minutes during lunch" blog. Most likely I'm a "Personal" blog. Let's do a bit'o looking, shall we?

Here are some of my choice results from Googling "Types of Blogger":

Two Types of Bloggers
Three Kinds of Bloggers
Different Types of Bloggers
The 9 Types of Blogger
Portrait of a Blogger

And lastly here is the Wikipedia entry on Blogs. #4 is their breakdown of blog types. I can't really decide where I fit in there. Probably #4.1, but gosh that would be sad given how freakin' old I am. Maybe I fall under 4.1.2. I just don't know. What do you think?

CliparToon #14: A friendly poke at deviants.



Of course, who isn't at least a little bit, somewhat, possibly just a tinch deviant? I know Derek is, with all that "hockey" stuff.

It's looking to be a busy day here at the ol' advertising agency, so I'll likely only have this and one other post that I drafted yesterday that will follow this. Thank you everyone who has left me a comment wishing me a happy birthday. I'll also say thank you individually in the comments, but I'm not sure when I'll have time.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. And remember kids, if a strange man comes up to you and offers you ice cream, just say "No!" and then kick 'im in the nuts and run. Practice it at your local Baskin Robbins (or equivalent ice creamery) until you've got it down... um... "cold" as it were.

See ya Monday!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Oops.

I have no idea what I was thinking. Well, I have some idea. Traditionally I take my birthday off from work and I had it in my mind that I started 'Fizzle & Pop' last year at Derek's urging when I came back from my last birthday vacation. Okay, it was more threats than urging, but still. That made today my one year anniversary in my mind. But I was WRONG! Silly head with wonky memories. My anniversary was back on February 12th. So, now that I've missed the opportunity to end this whole thing on a sensible date rather than at some random time I guess I'll have to continue a while longer until I can come up with some other pretext for stopping. Like I suddenly find myself way too wealthy to be bothered* or something. Drat.

---
*If there is someone out there reading this that would like to engage in an experiment to see if a massive amount of money would, in fact, kill my urge to blog I would be most willing to assist by accepting said money. You know, in the name of science and for the advancement of mankind. Thought I should mention it just in case.

Speaking of chocolate and children


I don't know how many of you are near my age and remember Carnation Breakfast Bars. The originals from around the '70s and '80s, not the sad "chewy" ones they remade in the '90s to compete with all of the other "chewy" nutritional bars and poo.

The original bars had a kind of dry, crumbly texture on the inside and were sheathed in a thin layer of "chocolate". I say "chocolate" because it didn't taste like real chocolate. It had a waxy texture and didn't melt in your hands like actual chocolate would. Perhaps it was treated chocolate. Or waxified. Vincent Price might have had something to do with it although I don't know for sure, so don't quote me.

Doesn't that sound yummy?

Actually, they were quite fantastic. They just dissolved in your mouth and tasted of all kinds of goodness and love.

As I recall, the flavor assortment consisted of chocolate, peanut butter, and peanut butter/chocolate chip. At least those were the only flavors I remember ever wanting. There might have been some strawberry monstrosity, but I don't know for sure and a google search didn't help much.

My favorite after-school snack when I was a tot was a cold glass of milk and a Peanut Butter Breakfast Bar. This was long before the creation of that "crack" that all the kids are fond of these days. Even better was when I was allowed to spend my allowance on an entire box of the things (8 bars per box, as I recall) and I could eat them at my own pace and discretion, rather than invest in Microsoft like the other geeky kids did. It's no surprise I now find myself poor and chunky.

Now why, you may wonder, am I talking about a breakfast/snack food that has been out of production (the good kind at least) for around 20 years?

You know how you'll occasionally smell something or taste something and it will trigger memories in your noggin of days long gone? That happened to me last weekend. Heather had stopped for gas on our way back from picking up Chinese food and I went in to get some soda and perhaps something snacky for dessert. They had on display a new "Limited Edition" flavor of Resse's Peanut Butter Cups that I hadn't seen before. It was called "Fudge" and I figured, "Sure, why not?" and picked up a couple.

When we got around to eating them I was amazed. It tasted almost exactly how I remember the peanut butter Carnation Breakfast Bar tasting, but without the texture. So it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad either.

I've been checking around the various convenience stores around town since then (but not the original gas station – that would be too easy) and haven't seen them for sale. I want to get a "few" more to try again and see if I imagined the taste similarity or not.

Oh, and while we are on the subject of discontinued snacks, I wish they would bring back Reese's Chunky Peanut Butter Cups. MmmMMmmm.

For more "memory lane" type stuff, head over here.

CliparToon #13: More baby humor



In spite of how it may appear, baby clipart makes up a small percentage of the stuff I've pulled for future 'toons. I honestly grabbed at random from my "bag-o-ideas" and it was the second choice at that. I decided the first one I was going to use would make a better Easter 'toon.

So I guess what I'm saying is enjoy the baby 'toons while they last. One day the babies will be allllll gone. Yumyum.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

CliparToon #12: Happy Birthday to me...lalala



So yeah. I'm old. Er. Older. Hopefully this guy will stay away for a few more years. At least.

I'm glad I stayed home today – I usually take my birthday off from work. It was quite icy out this morning. Now I'm off to lunch with Heather and then I think I'll do some reading or watch some movies. You know. Fun stuff that I can't do at work. Which is where Derek is. Working. Heheh.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Is it just me?


Have you ever found yourself driving along at night when suddenly you have a cowboy's wet dream of a pickup with lifts and floods right on your ass and his lights are shining into your car so brightly that you can see the backs of your eyeballs? And he won't go around even if you drive the speed limit? So you flip the dimmer switch on your mirror and ride it out until you can finally lose him on a turn. Do you ever spend that time considering how you would love to follow him home, drug him and later sell his organs and truck on eBay for fun money? Or is it just me?

For an explanation of my subhead of the moment

browse this-a-way: Monty Python's Flying Circus - "Oscar Wilde"

CliparToon #11: Progressively getting worse since two weeks ago.

I apologize in advance for this one...



... but I just couldn't resist. It must be the parent in me. This is probably the worst one I have out of the next 40 or so planned. Okay, one of the worst ones.

And yes, this is actually one of the 250,000 pieces of clipart that are in our collection. I could see using it for a "Offer your firstborn down and you'll be driving a Hummer before you can say 'Screw the environment AND my children!'" sale around tax time. It practically builds itself.

Monday, February 14, 2005

CliparToon #10

Happy Monday! And for that matter, Valentine's Day!



All I can say is, if that's gold he doesn't look too happy.

I'm tired.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Ham-a-taro



We were at Hollywood Video a couple days ago. We being myself, Heather and Jordyn, my little silly girl.

Recently I joined Hollywood's "MVP" membership which allows me the take out up to three older VHS tapes or DVDs and any newer "MVP" marked movies for no charge. I can do this as many times a month as I want. All I pay is $9.95 per month for the first three months and $14.95 thereafter, cancellation at any time. It's like Netflix without the wait. I'm trying to get my money's worth on this, and it's a great opportunity to check out movies that I wouldn't normally risk my cash on. So far I've taken nine movies out, so I'm ahead financially, but a few of those nine were... not so good.

I told Jordyn on this particular visit that she could get whatever kid movie she wanted, and Heather and I were going to pick out the other two. heather and I went with 'Ghost Busters' since my son hadn't seen it yet, and 'Without a Paddle' which was actually surprisingly better than we expected. Unlike 'Envy' which was surprisingly worse.

While we were in the kid's section we tried to steer Jordyn to some of the more classical cartoon movies, like 'The Secret of Nihm' or Disney's animated 'Robin Hood' but no, she latched on to 'Hamtaro.'

"But daddy! I looove Ham-a-taroooo! And you said I could get whatever movie I want so why can't I get this?"

So.

"Ham-a-taro" it was.

For those unfamiliar with it, 'Hamtaro' is a children's anime with a hamster theme. It used to run on Cartoon Network. I say "used to" because I haven't seen it advertised in quite awhile. It may still be there somewhere though.

In the car on our way home Heather was looking at the case and said, "This looks like it might actually be cute."

I replied, "I've seen a couple episodes. It's not that horrible. Although they don't air the Richard Gere episode anymore."

Much to my surprise Heather started laughing at that and said, "That's why you're so funny. You said that totally deadpan."

To which I said, "Derek says the same thing. It's too bad I can't make that work in print."

Jordyn couldn't understand why Heather was laughing. I told her, "Don't worry about it, ooooh! Look over there!" and that was that.

A bit later Jordyn got to join in the fun when Heather said, in response to Jordyn's talking about Ham-a-taro this and Ham-a-taro that, "I want a Ham & Taro sandwich." Jordyn let out a really loud laugh and exclaimed, "Oh, Heather! You've made it even funnier now!"

And there you go. The 'Ham-a-taro' story. Fast because I'm in a hurry. You're welcome.

CliparToon #9



I have story ideas! Oh the ideas. You'll no doubt notice that I have not actually posted any of them yet. That's because I don't currently have the time to write them. But at least I have the ideas, and that's a very special thing.

And how about that silhouette? I'm betting she's Irish.

I would also like to point out that this is nine straight posting days that I have created a CliparToon since I started the Tuesday before last. This is actually a record for me. With this kind of consistency, I hope you all like them.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

CliparToon #8



Quick and dirty. Too much "real" work to spend much time on this today, and I didn't have it ready yesterday. So, there you go.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Imaginary tragedy.



There's been a death in the long list of my daughter's imaginary friends. She was telling Heather about it over the phone the other night. It seems that Triana – a friend that I had never heard of – died the other day. According to Triana's mother, she ate "two thousand five hundred pounds of sugar" and it killed her dead. Her mother buried her and put up "one of those grave things with her name on it."

Heather said, "That's sad." to which my 5-year-old replied, "Yeah, but it happens." Fortunately she's not all broken up about it. Unfortunately it wasn't Kokeeno, who had apparently shown Jordyn the picture of what was wrong with Triana.

I just don't know what to think of all that.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

CliparToon #7



This marks the first CliparToon that I've made from combined pieces of clipart. The central piece (the dog) was named "Rabid Dog Parody" ... Parody? Um. How about "Crappy Dead-Lookin' Dog"?

I'll likely be combining more for future comics, but when possible I'll stick to a one piece deal because, as Derek pointed out, there's a lot of bad clipart there. I've just not been feeling very funny lately.

Oh yeah, and the original name for "Death's Stompin' Vat" artwork from a couple toons back was "Angel Tramping Out Vintage" I guess the chicks in the vat are the "Grapes of Wrath"

"Did you see a sign in front of my house that said 'Dead Grapes of Wrath Storage'?"

CliparToon #6

I'm running out of ideas already. *sigh*



Click for bigger.

More about lulu.

Kif is using lulu.com to publish her book, 'Pree' (which I've linked to in my sidebar) and I had mentioned to Mark that if I manage to get my "stuff" together enough to write a book with Heather that I would likely use them as well. I had suggested that he check into using them to publish and distribute his next issue of 'Crimewave' after he posted about the problems he's having with his current distributor but I think he's going to do something different.

I just found out that the author of an online book, 'The Metamorphosis of Prime Intellect,' that I stumbled across a couple years back has chosen to go with lulu.com for his hard copy as well. He talks about why he came to that decision over all of the other "print on demand" services that are out there here and it sounds quite good to me.

So.

There you go.

Have a great Tuesday.

Monday, February 07, 2005

CliparToon #5

You would think it would be getting better by now.



But you would be wrong, now wouldn't you?

There's no smut like old smut.

Since the last post was a bit lean, I figured I would toss up yet another lean one. I'm generous like that.

This was something that I found at (take a guess) boing boing last night and I thought all the art lovers out there might appreciate it. The full story is here.

This is a link to a gallery that is displaying photos of some of the recovered artifacts from Pompeii and Herculaneum.

These finds have raised the age-old question, "A statue of a satyr having sex with a goat is lovely and all, but is it art?"

The Kleptones are at it again.

They've released a new album called 'From Detroit To J.A.'. The Boing Boing link is here. I've given it a listen and am torn as to which is better: this latest one or 'A Night at the HipHopera'. I might be leaning to this one.

Also, one of the Kleptone members has apparently been running a blog since the end of October. It's here. Interesting stuff, if you have the desire to keep up with this cultural movement as I do.

Also, Mark, you may be interested to know they have an "In Memoriam" MP3 tribute to John Peel here.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled life.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Here's my last "Fantabulous Clipartoon"

for the week. Enjoy, if you do. And if not then gnash your teeth in frustration or something.



As far as the name goes, I'm keeping it for now. Yay me. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, with the exception of those who are plotting evil. You know who you are. You don't need me to point you out.

Happy Freakin' Friday!

We're still busy at work, so I'm just passing along a photo that was in our clipart collection that I am slowly archiving between jobs. It was in the "Motorcycle" category of low-res photos:



Kinda says it all, really.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Nothing like finding out you're unoriginal.

Google seems to be a fickle mistress at times. Back before I posted my first "CliparToon" I googled the word to see if there was anything else "out there" that was already using that name and was similar to what I was doing. It returned one hit. "Cooptoons" and that was it. And since he was actually calling his "Cooptoons" I figured I was in the clear.

Today I spent a couple seconds googling it one more time to see if my blog had shown up yet. While my blog didn't, for some reason, my art storage site did. As well as three additional pages of links that didn't show up the first time I searched. What's more, one of the people who managed to beat me to the title that I thought was so clever is named "Derek." Which figures. His actual site appears to be gone from the net, however, and all that are left are sites that had linked to him.

So.

Now I need to come up with a new name for these things and I'm too creatively drained right now to think of one. Pathetic, huh?
---
UPDATE: Ahah. I see what happened. The first time I searched the singular of the word, which is what I used for the title: "CliparToon." That only returns a hit at my art site and CoopToons. So just perhaps I might be in the clear, since the competition for the plural appears to be defunct. And I suppose technically the full title is "Another Fantabulous CliparToon by Collin" so... um... nevermindsomuch. I'm burnt out. Ignore my gibberings.

A peeve of mine

Three or more people who decide to stand in a corridor that happens to be the only way to get from one part of the building to the other and hold a conversation, totally oblivious to anyone else's need of passage and thereby forcing you to walk between them. Stand elsewhere and jabber you yo-yos, some of us are in a hurry.

It's a busy work day, so...

No special love to y'all other than another CliparToon, hand colored by me for you (that's the "special love" part – can you feel it?) :



I guess this little guy was supposed to be used to give some hypothetical person's church newsletter a sense of excitement. He just looks scared to me. And he's missing his arm. That's right. I didn't clip it off. It was gone when I got there.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have a bit of spare time to put together a more entertaining post. Until then, have a great Thursday!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I'm on a roll...



Of course I had to do a zombie themed 'toon, but talk about a bizarre clipart source. When would a normal person ever have a need for this particular image? The coloring was by me, but still. Even a non-zombified hand is odd. Was it meant to go with a "Keep your wife from learning to read or you'll regret it" campaign of yesteryear? Is it an intercepted love letter or a bill from ValuHo? I just don't know.

No, it's not the return of "Half-Assed Comics"...

It's "CliparToons"! I know, inspired, isn't it?



This, kids, is the end result of looking at way, way too much clipart. And I'm not even done yet! At best I'm half way through. Now, a lot of clipart is "bad" but this one just leaped out at me with its badness. And now it has leaped out at you. I hope you enjoyed it. And the others that will no doubt trickle out of my brain over the coming days and weeks. I apologize in advance.

Also, I haven't posted a new warning sign in quite some time and I'm not sure when/if I'll get back to it. So rather than leave anyone hanging, the last one was "Eewie couple ahead."

Yes, I get so much from boing boing.

A while back – I don't know when and I'm not looking – I made known my hatred for the peeing Calvin and praying Calvin vinyl decals that are out there. In the world. Sucking joy from everyone they pass. Slapped on vehicles belonging to people who think they are unique, clever, or witty. Actually, I can only guess what the motivation for a person is who would put one of those things on his vehicle. I've never felt the urge myself, and I don't think I've personally known anyone who has. They don't seem to be my kind of people.

Anyway.

Today at boing boing I ran across this post discussing the new "thing" sweeping the nation – or California and Colorado, at least – stick figures with names that represent everyone that travels in that particular yuppie-mobile*.



Robyn mentioned these things quite a while back and shortly thereafter I saw a set stuck to a white SUV here in Colorado for the first time. It amused me because you could see the mom and dad just fine, but the kids were half obscured by the spare tire. Get used to that, kids.

I found the history of this latest vanity crap to be quite interesting, but more useful to me was this link back to bb's earlier post about the "Calvin peeing" decals. Because it led me here. It's a very informative site and I found it to be a very interesting read.

Also quite funny, but not really in the "ha ha" way, I've been finally getting around to archiving all of the clipart we have here at work and I discovered that some of the sets that have been "donated" by various artist over the years include a large selection of those kinds of decals. Not the recent Stick Zombie ones, but all kinds of Calvins and other stuff. Enough for a person to start their own bootleg decal business.

And no, I'm not that "someone". I prefer to make my own art.

Knowing that it would be a "bad thing" if any of the upper management found them in our system I deleted them, but the synchronicty** of the situation is still interesting to me.

---
*I just realized that I don't know if the term "yuppie" is still a viable description of the self-absorbed-money-hungry set of individuals that buy shit like "baby-on-board" signs and "Voodoo family stick figure" decals. I know that it stands for "Young Urban Professional" but is that still what they call themselves? I feel so out of touch right now.

**I love Wikipedia almost more than I love boing boing.
"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."