Advertising Jesus in Black & White

Deconstruction time.

I found a card that was intended to change my life and snatch my heathen soul from the snarfing jaws of Satan himself. Ooo. So close. But they missed by "that" much.

Here's the front of the card:

On first glance I thought this card was selling funeral services. It wasn't until I read the last line and flipped it over that I found its "true" goal. Either way, I knew I was going to post it. On with the deconstruction.

I don't have shoestrings. I usually wear biker boots with zippers. Something tells me that it wouldn't read as well if it said "YOU may zip your zippers in the morning, but the UNDERTAKER may unzip them before night." Oh Undertaker, you vixen! At least buy me a drink first!

"ARE YOU READY to meet your MAKER?" What? With my zippers down? Well. Okay. He's not going to be impressed. "37 years on earth and look at him. Tsk."

The other pair of footwear I have, the dressier shoes, are slip-ons. No zippers or strings. So I can already tell this card doesn't "really" apply to me.

Not to mention – as I mention – anyone who works nights. They untie their shoestrings in the morning. Does that mean the UNDERTAKER may tie them before night? And, once he has tied them up nice and neat, when he realizes what he's done would he smack his head and say, "Dammit! I did it again! *grumble*grumble*"

Oo! Oooo! What if you're a night shift worker and instead of untying your shoes you just kick them off like I used to do when I worked nights and one of them rolls under the bed and you figure you'll get it later because, damn, you're tired and you jump on your bed – forgetting that you left your entire knife collection (even the kitchen knives) out on your bed because you were going to shine them up when you got off work – and BAM you're dead, but when the coroner comes to collect your body they can only find the one shoe – not thinking to look under the bed – so they just toss it in the bag with you, haul you to the UNDERTAKER, he opens the bag, looks inside, sees the lone shoe and that it's already tied... NOW WHAT?! Here's this dead guy with one lone shoe, already tied but not on his foot! Does he untie the shoe, even though it is footless, for much the same reason that a person with OCD will straighten the throw pillows on someone else's couch? Does he pretend he's the Prince in Cinderella and try to slip it back on the body? "It fits! It fits! There's gonna be a wedding!" *do-a-little-dance*

And what about the other foot?

"YOU may kick your shoes off in the morning, but the UNDERTAKER may only have one shoe to untie, put on your foot, retie and then leave your other foot covered with either your sock or an intern's shoe before night."

And let's not forget "YOU may tie your shoestrings in the morning, only to get hit by a downtown bus at lunchtime and be knocked clean out of your shoes which are then stolen by a homeless person, but by night all the UNDERTAKER can do is shake his head because, dammit, he's not running a Foot Locker and the intern is down to one shoe!"

At this point I've seen the word UNDERTAKER too much. Without doing any research to find an answer, I find myself wondering a few (more) things. Why underTAKER? What do they take? Apart from your fluids, your photograph, whatever was left in your pockets and, in hopefully very rare cases, your after-death cherry? Okay, fine, they do a fair amount of taking, but in the name it's tied to the word "under". So unless it's talking about underwear, I must assume it applies to the assigned duties of the job, i.e. putting bodies underground. So, again, why "taker"? It should be underputter. Or putterunder. Putterthere? But it's not. I'm sure there's a reason, but man I'm so lazy right now.

Also, do they still refer to themselves as "undertakers"? I thought that name had kinda dropped out of usage. Don't they more commonly refer to themselves as "morticians"? Personally, I want to start calling them "the dude that owns the shovel and box" but that's just me.

On to the graphic. Nothing says UNDERTAKER like a hearse, with the exception of that particular organization of letters. It's what made me think, more than anything else, that this was a card for funeral services. But then I read it – just the front – and I thought to myself, "Huh. By the time you're in the hearse, don't they have your shoes back on? Wouldn't a better graphic, a more fitting graphic, be a untied shoe?" Then, once I found out the card was really about Jesus, I figured a nail and pliers would do.

I'm considering instructing my son to screen my calls that way, "Who's calling. Look, I don't care how important you say it is, unless you tell me who you are you won't be getting through. 'No man speaketh unto the father, but by me.' NOBODY ELSE CAN HELP YOU." But, then again I can't even get him to keep his room clean, much less speak in bold-italic caps.

I really have nothing to add to the two quotes that follow, but the "WHAT YOU MUST DO:" portion.. yeah.

Four of the five steps are from the same portion of The Bible. Romans. The one that was pulled in from elsewhere is REPENT. It almost makes it feel like an afterthought. "Let's see... we have Admit, Believe, and Ask twice... something seems to be missing. Hmmm." flip-flip-flip "Hey! How about Repent? That should fit in there somewhere. It'll keep the Catholics happy." Seems to me, the original recipe for Salvation Cake didn't call for Repent. It was in an entirely different recipe. Oh sure, it looks good, adds a bit more flavor, but is it really necessary? Not according to Romans.

And finally, "Isn't it time for Jesus?" made me think of the "It's Miller Time!" commercials, which in turn led me to think of a commercial where a guy gets home from a grueling day at work, tosses his jacket and briefcase aside as he walks to the kitchen, throws his tie toward the bedroom and steps out of his pants, and when he opens his fridge out pops Jesus as we hear a deep voice boom out, "It's Jesus time!". Then we get a quick clip montage of Jesus and the guy hanging out, doing tequila shooters, starting a bar fight and trolling for hookers to "save".

And you thought I was kidding about that whole "jaws of Satan" bit.


Trashman said…
When I get to hell, I'll save you a front row seat.
Andy K said…
Hey, keep the Catholics out of this. We didn't write it (try a "Christian" or maybe even a Baptist).
Collin said…
Trashman: Hey, thanks! I'd hate to miss the Hell clowns performing due to some damned sinner with a big head taking the seat in front of me.

Andy K: True, but I've heard you're big on repenting. All those "Hail Mary"s, "Who's Yer Daddy"s and what-not.
Derek Knight said…
I laughed many and various times during the reading of this, thy posty offering for today...

Yea, it is good.
Heather said…
I think you set a record for how many times you made me laugh hard today & not just this're funny funny today, Collin-Man!
Robyn said…
Having seen a photo of your son on Heather's blog, I bet he would get a real kick out of answering the phone in that manner, if you typed up his lines on a card and posted it by the phone so he could remember them. i bet he would even get into doing a menacing spooky voice after a few times.
el sid said…
i disagree. i think "isn't it time for Jesus?" is a catch-phrase more along the lines of a tobacco ad. you know... there's a guy, he's had a hard day at work, the wife is nagging him, the children are untying his shoes... he just needs to sit down and smoke a fatty with Jesus. ahh... the refreshing feel of inhaling smoke from a Jesus© brand premimum tobacco blend cigar. "pack your pipe with Jesus©!"
Collin said…
Derek: Yes, I was in all too rare form with this one. In fact, that was probably the funniest thing I'll write all year.

Heather: I wish I'd paid more attention to my state of mind so I could make it happen again. Oh well. Back to being semi-funny.

Robyn: Perhaps. Although he's entering the awkward teen years and he tends to get confused in normal, unscripted conversations.

El Sid: Heck, why limit it to any one product. Isn't there enough Jesus for everything? aJesus brand tennis shoes: You'll jump so high you'll almost reach Heaven. Orange Jesus: The only orange drink with a box that weeps blood! Jesus brand DRM: It smites the pirates while it saves your data. Etc.

Popular Posts