Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Stop me if you've heard this before

The problem with telling stories from your past over the course of a year is occasionally you might find yourself repeating one you've already told. Especially if you are as disorganized as I am and didn't keep the original text files from some of your... okay, ANY of your past posts. And it also doesn't help if your mind is a bit on the fuzzy side, like mine is.

But here's a story that I don't think I ever told before. This happened while I was in the Air Force and stationed in England. One night my roommate Mark and our friend Ken decided to drop by the NCO Club to drink and check out the women. That's all I ever did. Check them out. I was way too shy to talk to any of them. Or dance. Good lord I was wound tight. Not that I'm a frantically freewheeling individual these days, but I sure hope I'm not nearly as defective as I was back then. The years, they've mellowed me.

Anyhow, on this particular night both Ken and Mark were off talking to people or getting drinks at the bar or something and I was at the table alone, nursing my bitter and checking out the people around me. The club was kept pretty dark with the strobes and the racked light for the dance floor being pretty much all there was as far as lighting. I wasn't at a wall side table, but I also wasn't right up against the dance floor so it was pretty dark where I was sitting.

I was looking at the people dancing, wishing that I had the nerve to get out there and act the fool when I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I thought it was either Mark or Ken back from whatever they had been doing, but when I turned to look I saw that it was a woman. She must have somehow seen the surprised look on my face because she removed her hand, leaned in and said in an English accent, "I'm sorry to bother you! Would you mind if I sit here for a bit?"

I recovered the best I could and told her that I didn't mind at all, she could stay as long as she wanted. She said, "Ta!" and took a seat next to me. Then she surprised me further by scooting her chair in closer and leaning in to continue talking to me.

"I saw you sitting here by yourself and you looked bored. Would you like to dance?" I explained that I wasn't very comfortable dancing and that I generally just came to people watch. She said, "Oh. Okay."

We chatted a bit more. She asked me what I did in the Air Force and I asked her where she was from and what she did. She said her name was Collette and she was a manager of a record shop in Bicester. (For you young'uns, "records" are oversized, black CDs that make music when they are scratched by a needle. I know, "Crazy old people and their crazy ideas.") She had come to the club with a few mates but hadn't seen them in a while. She looked pretty good. Perhaps about five years older than me which would have made her 25-ish. She was a brunette with a somewhat angular face, great eyes, a pleasant voice and she had just placed her hand on my leg and her fingers were lightly stroking my inner thigh.

I locked up like a deer caught in headlights. I should know. I hit a deer at night once and he looked just like me. Same goofy hair and everything. It would be an understatement to say that I didn't date much. Like I said, I was shy. She leaned in real close and said, "You are so tense! I know of something that should relax you a bit." Then she gave me a kiss, looked around to see if anyone was paying us any attention, then slipped down under the table. She quickly positioned herself between my legs and then I felt her hands on my...

What? Oh! You have heard this before? Well, never mind then.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."