Wednesday, August 03, 2005

And now for some funny.

A reminder: my answers aren't meant to be taken seriously. So, don't. If you do, not my fault.

Snopes' "Unanswerables" as answered by Collin
Round 2


Q: Is Ciara a MAN????? PLEASE ANSWER ME BACK!!!!!

A: Who? Your turn.
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Q: Is some one can tell me how to read expire date on corona beer box/bottle. code I have on box is DC08C088. What this mean. reply me ASAP.

A: If you went ahead and drank the coronas without waiting for an answer it means that you can soon expect to go blind and lose the feeling in half your body. Glad to help, although my name is not ASAP.
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Q: People who get bite by a spider then get large bump on their body. The bump then erupps into hundereds of baby spiders. Can that realy happen?

A: Of course. It happens all the time. Don't you watch the news? But don't worry. They won't erupt until they've had their fill of you so they aren't likely to bite again for at least an hour.
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Q: Can people see into your house if it's darker in your house than it is outside? When I look around at other houses that don't have lights on, I see darkness, a reflection or only what is immediately in front of the window (curtains, plants, etc.). As a result, I tend to act as though no one can see what I'm doing inside as long as the lights are off and there is no other source of light illuminating me. My wife, however, is often appalled by this behavior. Should she be appalled, or am I correct?

A: Not my house. I keep the blinds closed when I'm in the buff. And stop looking in your neighbors' windows. Pervert.
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Q: I've been told that if you snort powdered glass as you would cocaine, you will die. Is this just a rumor, or would it actually happen?

A: Yes, you will die. The glass interacts with the ink of the new $20 bill you are using which causes a chemical reaction that rockets the itty-bitty shards of glass up your nose where, due to the sudden burst of speed, they shred through your brain and shoot out of the back of your head. You should be okay if you use a plastic straw or stick to licking it off your ho's breasts. As long as the thought of bleeding internally doesn't worry you. Worrying is unhealthy.
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Q: A friend of mine asked me if I've ever hear of invisible witches or ghosts that suck the blood out of a person's arm while they are sleeping. Apparently, she saw "marks" on her boyfriend's arm and this was the story that he told her.

A: So. What did you tell her?
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Q: I heard that bananas have a natural chemical that makes you happy. Is it also true that cockroaches can survive an atomic blast?

A: You've been smoking banana peels, haven't you? Cockroaches won't survive an atomic blast if you squish them all quickly enough. So get to squishing.
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Q: HOW MUCH DO BABY ANACONDAS WEIGH AT BIRTH?

A: This is a myth. Much like career politicians, anacondas aren't born. They just happen and then slither into office.
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Q: I'm 19 and from Yuma, Az and I would like to know if this myth I'v been hearing is true? By masturbating it helps the chance by not getting cancer? Is that true?..also I'v hurd other myths about masturbation and don't know if those myths are true or not. But I would like to know about the question I asked befoe.

A: Yes. Three wanks a day keeps the cancer away. And if against all odds you do happen to get cancer you'll be too tired to care. I guess you'll never know about the rest of those myths since you didn't ask.
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Q: My friend swears that you can't be prosecuted for stealing a dead body because it has no intrinsic value. Is this true?

A: Once again, this is a question that is best answered by asking a cop. Be sure to have a shovel and a burlap bag with you when you ask, just in case it turns out it's all good. Heck, to save time ask one near the cemetery.
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Q: How many items that contain poppy seeds do a person have to eat in order for a drug test to come out with a false positive? And does the effect of poppy seeds diminish after the 48 hour time frame from eating a food containing poppy seed? Please e-mail me these answers, thank you.

A: It's not so much the number of items as the number of seeds. It can take as little as a day to as long as 30 years for the effects to be totally gone from your druggie system. And I lost your email address. Sorry.
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Q: I heard that rubbing a hickey with a penny makes it disappear faster. Is that true?

A: You must be very lonely if you couldn't come up with some way to answer this one yourself. Heck, suck on your own arm if you have to. But I still wouldn't recommend it. Everyone knows if you rub a penny on a hickey you arouse the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
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Q: IS IT TRUE PEARLS BRING SADNESS

A: By the shitload.
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Q: Is it true that a girl cannot get pregnant if her mate smokes the seeds of marijuana when he smokes marijuana, please tell me if this is true because a lot of people tell me it is true and a lot of people tell me it's not and I don't know whaether to believe it or not because this town lies a lot. thanks.

A: If I tell you that smoking the seeds will actually make him extra potent and you'll have sextuplets, will it keep you from breeding? Did you really ask everybody in town about this? Now they all know you have sex with a pot head? At least they're probably laughing too much to lie to you anymore.

Even more to come.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."