Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Harper's Tidbits:

Bits from the Harper's Weekly and my take on the same.

"A Florida man pleaded guilty to beating his wife to death because she wanted to cuddle after sex."
Explain that one to your cell mate. "I was done with 'us' time and I just wanted some 'me' time." I hope he gets many years of fuzzy cuddling. Teach him a little tenderness.

"A Cambodian man found his mother after being separated from her for thirty years, then learned that she was also the mother of his wife."
Oops. "Um. Kids. Remember how we couldn't figure out why you all have flippers? We might have an answer."

"In Los Angeles, cocaine was found in the bloodstream of a toddler who died when her father used her as a shield in a shootout with police."
WTF? Okay, if someone holds up a kid, the cops should stop shooting. In no way am I saying this guy was right to hide behind his child or give her cocaine, but damn. LA.

"A man in Yorkshire, England, filmed his own suicide on his mobile phone and beamed it to his girlfriend."
Apart from how wrong that is, I can't help but wonder if he was driving at the time. And yeah, that's wrong too. But it gives me a little hope if I can look around while driving, see all the people on their phones surrounding me and think that some of them won't voluntarily be there tomorrow.

"An Australian woman sued the Sydney Aquarium for allowing a shark tank to shatter and shower her in sharks."
I just really like the alliteration of '... shatter and shower her in sharks.' Poetic. Imagine withstanding a shark shower. "We're gonna need a bigger umbrella."

"A man fell off the same building twice in Darwin, Australia."
When I get the Harper's mail I'm not given details. I have to let my fevered brain come to its own conclusions. Here, I figure he hit the ground, got up, dusted himself off, said "Survival of the fittest my ASS!" then hopped back in the elevator for another go. I might be wrong.

"A British man was ordered to stop committing anti-social acts after he was witnessed throwing furniture through his windows, setting bonfires in the morning, and going out in public naked save for a hat and a padlock on his penis."
Thank God he remembered to lock up the penis before he left. That was quite responsible of him, given the circumstances. You know. Being batshit crazy and all. God bless the Brits though, "Oy. You there. Stop it."

"A company in California was planning to sell human breast milk."
To cows.

"Scientists found that the male human brain has to work harder to listen to women than to listen to men."
Duh. Men usually don't ask other men questions after a conversation. They just go their separate ways or try to kill one another. That's it.

"Prairie dogs in Colorado were found to have the plague."
Again? Haven't we had plague ridden prairie dogs for years? Is this still news? I don't think so. When their little plague ridden bodies rise up from the dead and start thirsting for whatever it is a prairie dog thirsts for – holes I guess – then it'll be news. As far as that goes, would a prairie dog zombie actually rise from the grave or would it just resume burrowing with the occasional, "...rarrr..." ? Why am I asking you? You don't care about these things.

"Someone in South Africa was sodomizing corpses."
Talk about the best possible time for a zombie outbreak. Ride the tiger, buddy.

The entire list can be found here: Weekly Review 2005.08.09.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."