Friday, August 12, 2005

"Unanswerables" Answered - part 3

Okay, first let me tell you the reason I'm going with this instead of the other suggestions. It isn't because Heather asked for it. I know, that might be hard to believe, but it's true. I'm going with "Unanswerables" because I'm a bit busier than I expected to be today and most of the things I suggested take a bit of time to assemble. I can do this about as easily as replying to one of Pat Angelo's posts. I might have a bit of time to make a new CliparToon as well before the day is out. You never know until it's too late.

For those of you who were hoping for the other stuff, rest assured that it will be coming in time. I'm not sure the interview will be done after the next part or not, so those of you looking for an end to that, it may still be awhile.

So here they are: fake answers to real questions that were asked of the fine people at Snopes – Your One Stop Shopping Spot for Urban Legend Debunking.

Same disclaimers apply.

Q: Can cocoa butter get rid of stretch marks?

A: Yes, but only stomach stretch marks and you have to eat an awful lot of it. Constantly. I recommend spreading it on cocoa toast.
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Q: is it true that if you take already been chewed gum and put it in an orange peel and put it in the refigrator for 4-6 weeks and then eat it will it be acid?

A: Yes, but not the "happy" acid that makes you see strange and new things. It makes "alien blood" acid that will melt through your jaw and leave you looking like that poor kid who listened to too much 'Stryper', took too much "happy" acid then ate a shotgun. Or was it 'Phil Collins'? Either way, as long as you keep it in that orange peel you should be safe.
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Q: can you tell me how i would analyze the effect each statistic has on the world.

A: Statistics actually have no effect whatsoever on the world. Meteors have quite an impact however.
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Q: I have heard beggars can make a nice $100,000 salary, I was wondering if this is true.

A: Absolutely! That's why after the "dot.com" bust nobody really suffered. They just started begging and were able to continue living like kings. Or at least upper nobility. Sure, you have to "dress down" a bit when you go to work but that's really not that hard. Rub a little dirt in your face; put some fake needle tracks on your arm; carry around a crack baby; you're set! Honestly, the best career move you could make is to march right up to your McDonald's supervisor and tell him just where he can stick your paper hat! Then march out with a song in your heart and bag full of cups to hold all of your loot and bask in the big business that is high profit begging!
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Q: Hippies Help!
If you smoke 'shrooms (hallucinating type) will you get spores in your lungs from the fungus? Please advise!

A: I don't advise you ask hippies. That's how they get more shrooms. By harvesting the lungs of people like you. If a hippy friend of yours offers you a shroom, it's not because he wants you to experience wondrous hallucinations. It's because he's planting his future crop. I highly suggest you throw the shrooms back in his face, yell, "Screw you, you damned hippie lung farmer!" and then scamper off before he busts out his lung hoe.
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Q: Have you heard anything about a palm rub done when someone is shaking or holding hands that indicates they want to have sex with you? It sounds like some kind of secret sex handshake — and I've heard nothing about it till today.

A: Hahahah! Look at all the casual sex we've been having and you haven't because you don't know the secret! You schmuck! Sucks to be you!
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Q: If you sneeze and get into an accident, are you still at fault? Are there any laws?

A: Nope. A sneeze is an act of Satan. There are no laws when it comes to acts of Satan so it is considered "no fault". You can certainly use this to your advantage now that you know the truth. The next time you crash into someone and it looks like it's your fault, crawl out of the wreckage turn to whoever is closest and say, "Well? Aren't you going to bless me?" You'll be golden after that.
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Q: how much would a penguin egg cost to buy and ship to texas email me as soon as you get the answer to this question bcuz i would like to buy a penguin egg so please email me asap!!!

A: I have a penguin egg that I'm willing to sell you for $500. Plus $30 shipping and another $100 for insurance. Now, after it hatches you might think it's a chicken, but it isn't really. That is just an illusion caused by the hot Texas sun. It's a kind of defense mechanism that penguins use when they find themselves in Texas. It's perfectly natural, and is in fact an amazing example of the adaptive abilities of these wonderful birds.
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Q: Is the government really as controlling and secretive as books make them out to be? Are there really tons and tons of secret spies all over the world?

A: Of course not. That's just silly talk. And I'm not just saying that because of the secret implant that nobody ever placed in my head behind my right ear that isn't rigged to explode if I say anything that could be considered unpatriotic. Wink-wink.
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Q: I would like to know what does work and what does not work for getting rid of 'hickeys.' Such as the cold spoon trick, toothpaste trick, etc.

A: This always works. You get the person who gave you the hickey and then tell him or her to place lips against the exact spot and then blow as hard as possible. This will force the blood back into your veins where it belongs. You need to be sure they line up exactly right though or it'll look like you have ringworms which is far worse than having a hickey unless you are in food service. In that case both are bad. If you've allowed some guy to indiscriminately hoover his lips all over your neck how can I be sure you've washed your hands before making my taco?
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Q: Is it true that you are more likely to die from a champagne cork than a poisonous spider?

A: It's true. Corks can be amazingly vicious when cornered. Many of them pack uzis and they know how to use them.
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Q: How long are the intestines?

A: Long enough to run from your stomach to your butt-hole.
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Q: can you tell me if there any subjects that have not been tainted by an urban legend in anyway shape or form?

A: No I can't. Sorry. It's classified.
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Q: Is Bounce (fabric softener sheet) unsafe to use? Is it on the EPA's hazzardous waste list?

A: They are safe to use as long as you don't smoke them. This will give you what the kids these days call a "Bounce high". It's fun at first but before long you feel like you are being swarmed by beastly little teddy bears. And that's just not safe.
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Q: Can you give me ANY statistics about urban legends on the internet? Anything!!! My speech is due monday and I have to have a few statistics in it.

A: 30% of the stupidest people in the United States will believe their favorite legend is true no matter what you tell them.
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Q: if anyone understands what im saying please e-mail me at this e-mail adress.

does anyone here bilieve that there are aliens in other planets? who really made us is there really a god? im not saying there isnt but who made god? seriously please answer back at me

A: "Answer back at you"? I'm sorry. You are too stupid to be given the Truth. You might put your eye out.
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Q: I've heard that it is impossible to take a lightbulb out of your mouth once one puts it in, without either breaking the bulb or dislocating the jaw.

Do you know if this is true? I'm counting on you - my husband is really curious, and I don't want to have to drive him to the hospital...

A: This is one of those wacky college drinking games. You say that in a room full of people and invariably someone is drunk enough to try it. You wait until he has the bulb in his mouth and then you slam his jaw shut and everyone laughs and laughs. My advice is try it out on your husband and then refuse to drive.
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And there you have it. Every "unanswerable" question has now been answered and the world is a much safer place for us all. Have a great weekend everyone.

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"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."