As usual, this is a real email sent to me by someone who's only goal in life is to make mine far, far easier and richer and all I can do is make fun of them. In red.
From: WILLIEM APOLLO (email@example.com)
Date: March 23, 2005 9:39:11 AM MST
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
EFFORT LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL W.W.
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER
RESULTS FOR THIRD CATEGORY DRAWS:
Wow. Sounds impressive. And random. Also this marks the first email that I've received from a desk.
Is something wrong with your eyes fool? I'm a pimp, not a madam. Don't make me cut you!
Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the
results of the Third Category draws of EFFORT LOTTERY
Amazing. They are English words. They are spelled correctly. They just don't make much sense in that order. But I'm ever so grateful that this random person has taken it upon himself to bring this to my notice. He must be royalty. He uses "we". (the royalty is in the 'we' – see?)
We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner under the Third Category, which is part of our promotional draws.
Awesome! I KNEW it! I told my Pepsi cap just this morning that I am TOO a winner! I picture all of the random names for this drawing being churned together in a gigantic vat, and my name slowly fights its way to the surface, breaks free for the rest – even going so far a shoving a few under and holding them there until they drown – and then emerging into the loving light, blinking its eyes, then doing a happy jig.
The draws were held on the 27th of January 2005, and results were being officially announced on the 10th of March 2004.
That's quite a wait. I hope my name didn't get bored after all of that struggling.
Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 40,000.000 names/email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia, Australia, Canada, Europe, Middle East, and New Zealand as part of our International Promotions Program.
That many names/email addresses, eh? And all those countries? Odd that the UK isn't represented in this, the Third Category "draw". Just as well though. If they had been I might not have won! Then I would be sad. :( <--- see the sad face? That's how you know it's for real.
Your name attached to ticket number 0079-03-742, with serial number 37-93 drew the lucky numbers 17, 23, 21, 33, 47, 14 (22), and consequently won in the Third Category.
Again, awesome! Look at all those numbers. Gosh. Just what were the odds Willem D Desk? They sound mighty slim. I mean, if a single ticket that is 9-digits long has a serial number that is 4-digits long... I'm no math expert, but that's a hell of a lot of numbers! The odds against my winning would have to be phenomenal! And there were six numbers that had to match up as well (with one in parentheses which I don't even begin to understand). It's mind boggling. I'm just sitting here all boggled. I think I may have just used up my entire life's allotment of luck in one contest that I never voluntarily entered! Gosh Will – may I call you Will? It's more chummy – I hope it was worth it. Please tell me what I've won! Don't leave me hanging here Will!
You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of Euros.2,400,000.00 (Two Million Four Hundred Thousand Euros) in cash, which is the winning payout for Third Category winners. This is from the total prize money of Euros.9,600,000.00 shared among the 4 international winners in the Third category.
Well, that sounds worth it.
Plus 3nights lodging free in any *** Hotel of your choice in MADRID, SPAIN.
So... I just won 2.4 Million (Meeeeeelion) euros and you are sweetening the deal with 3 nights free lodging in a three star hotel in Madrid, Spain? You sly dog Will. You've got my attention now! Yeeha. I'm hooked, now reel me in!
PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL NON UK RESIDENT HAVE A FEES OF £500 TO PAY BEFORE ANY TRANSACTION IS BEING MADE
Remember how I noticed above that the UK was excluded from this big money drawing? So... How could I be a resident of the UK, Will? And where the hell am I going to get £500? And why pounds? This is all so confusing. I'm beginning to think that this... might be... a... a scam of some type. Please don't be offended Will, I'm just trying to be careful here.
Um. Thanks. You're right. You are such a persuasive piece of furniture Will. You must be mahogony. Why should I be worrying about a few hundred pounds when I have millions of euros just waiting to drop into my pocket. I'm convinced now that you're on the up and up. If nothing else you're using a Yahoo email account. Those are pretty hard to come by what with all of the runaround, background checks and body cavity searches. My fears have been assuaged. Tell me more, tell me more!
Your fund is now deposited with CITI FINANCE AND INVESTMENT COMPANY insured in your name.
Is it? But waaaaaay back at the beginning you called me "Sir/Madam." I hate to be the bearer of grim news Will, but that's not my real name. That's my stage name. Is that going to be okay with CITI FINANCE AND INVESTMENT COMPANY?
In your best interest and also to avoid mix up of numbers and names of any kind,
we request that you keep the entire details of your award strictly from public notice
Oops. You mean I can't even let slip a single little detail? Ummm... okay. I'll be sure to not do that thing that you said I should do.
until the process of transferring your claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants/nonparticipants of this program.
Oh yes, I fully understand. Lord knows you can't trust ME! All I am is a dirty little thief and con artist that manages to get his name randomly submitted to a huge lottery that covers eight countries and then somehow is chosen as the winner out of 40 million people. I'm sneaky like that. Don't turn your back on me! I'll steal your wallet, your briefs and your soul! I'm that good.
We also wish to bring to your notice our mid year(2005) high stakes where you stand a chance of winning up to Euros.1.5 Billion,
Noted. I'm all over that! Big money, no wammies, STOP!
we hope that with a part of your prize you will participate.
Please contact your claims agent immediately, to begin
your claims process;
Oh lord Will! I can't find the "+" key on my phone! Ahhhhhhh! (running in circles in fear of losing all my new won euros) What will I do?! What?! All that money gone!
:( <--- sad face is back.
...Oh. Okay. Sorry about that. Whew. Crisis averted.
For due processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice. Remember, you must contact your claim agent not later than a week from the date of receipt of this notification. Failure to do so may lead to disqualification.
Oh say it isn't so Will! If I get disqualified, can I still have the 3 nights at the hotel? It would mean a lot to me.
And always quote your Batch and reference numbers in every of your correspondence for identification.
Um. Why do you capitalize 'Batch' but not 'reference'? That seems to be oddly inconsistent when compared to the rest of your email. Are you feeling okay?
REFERENCE NUMBER: GRC-3RD-37
BATCH NUMBER: 0074-TH
Congratulations once again from all our staffs and
thank you for being part of our promotions program.
You have staffs? Better get an ointment before it swells up on you. And you're welcome. I always knew I could do it! I'm so freakin' awesome! Whoo! Yeah.
THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR,
EFFORT LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL W.W.