Thursday, March 31, 2005

Jordyn is chock full of surprises.

This weekend my ex had the kids. When I called her on Sunday to let her know that I was back and she could bring them home she told me about a newly discovered activity of our daughter. A "hobby" it would seem.

My ex had a message waiting on her phone from a woman she didn't recognize saying that for several days now she had been receiving phone calls from a sweet little girl who would call up, chat a bit, then say "I love you! Bye!" and hang up. The woman found that the calls were coming from my ex's phone as well as from mine. She said she didn't mind because the girl was always so polite, but the last call came at two in the morning and she had a feeling that we didn't know about it.

My ex called her back and talked for a bit and discovered that the woman was the mother of one of our son's friends. The number was on a piece of paper by my phone. Apparently our daughter had decided that the time was right in her life for her to start reaching out and touching someone. I'm just relieved it was someone local. And not only was she able to dial the number in the correct order, but she memorized it quite easily.

It was explained to her that she is only to use the phone to call me at work, her mom at her home, Heather, and my mom. And if there is an emergency she should call... and she interrupted me, "I know! I call 9-1-1."

Now I'm try to teach her the phone numbers that she needs to know, including the area code in case she's ever out of the city and needs to phone home. The problem is she's fantastic at learning things on her own, she just not too keen on being taught. Wish me luck.

CliparToon #39: What a horrible fate.

Okay, no idea why I made this one. But there you go. See, I had about 20 bits'o clipart gathered in an image catalog and had lines all ready for them so it was just a matter of picking and choosing what I felt was funny that day. Then the file became corrupt and I lost it all. So now I have to start over and I'm just not feeling very humorous today. It could be the weather. It could be work. It could be finances. It's likely all of the above. Who knows. Either way that's why toon #39 is not that good. No shirt for you #39!

It's a cold, windy, snowy, icy day here in Colorado Springs. It matches my mood.

I don't know about anyone else, but I've been having a hell of a hard time posting on Blogger all week. It'll just sit and spin, and spin, and eventually tell me the document has no data or some such nonsense. It's pissing me off. Eventually I can get through but I know that at some point I'm going to have three or four duplicate posts and I won't be able to get into the editor to fix it because Blogger is full of suck right now. I've had to try five times to just get this to post. Oh well. Perhaps it's time for me to look for an alternate means of blogging.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Clipartoon #38: If I had a line then I just crossed it.

Sorry about this one folks. I'm sure this will be quite offensive to at least three of you out there, but won't it look great on a t-shirt? I took Derek's comment about the last one being the "worst clipart ever" and decided to prove him wrong. This one still isn't the worst ever – I have worse – but this one is most certainly worse than the flowers. So, hah!

Now let's talk about the art itself. I believe it was located in "humorous cartoon animals" or something similar. When I first saw it I couldn't decide what was more offensive, the "skill" used to draw it or what it seems to be suggesting. I mean, really. It's elbow deep in a honey jar and is winking at the viewer with one eyebrow suggestively arched, licking its lips, has a crooked smile and has its other hand resting on its rump. I think only a young child or someone very innocent would not see anything wrong with it. It's as though a pervert with a pen tried to draw that famous Disney owned* bear from memory.

What is possibly more wrong in my opinion though is someone, at some point might have been paid actual money to draw this thing. It both gives me hope and makes me sad.

---

* I do know that Disney was in litigation over the ownership of that particular bear. The last I heard they were losing but I just learned from Wikipedia that they won. Way to go Dark Side! You rock!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

CliparToon #37: Look out yellow flower!

All I can say is that is one hell of a long cutting string. Or wire. Whatever they call that thing that cuts on a weed eater. That would take you off at your ankles if you were to try to use it. Fortunately it appears to be self propelled. But now that it has the taste for flower blood it'll need to be put down before it ruins everything that is good in this world. Etc.

Personally I've never had a problem with dandelions. They aren't as repulsive as some weeds and tend to keep a low profile. And they are hell to pull up. I remember many a hot summer day when I was sent out with the weeding implements and orders to not come back in until I've filled a garbage bag with the tenacious little yellow bastards. As the day wore on I would get to the point where I would shove anything into the bag to fill it up: leaves, flowers, rocks, branches, slow pets, neighborhood kids who wandered into the yard at the wrong time. As long as I could stuff it in the bag and cover it with a thin layer of dandelions, it was doomed.

I miss having a yard but I do not miss the yard work.

Monday, March 28, 2005

CiparToon #36: Now... hop around!

While shopping for Easter candy I noticed chocolate crosses again this year. I guess it's hard to keep a good idea down. I also saw some chocolate kids playing with a chocolate ball. In a box, not in the aisle. How exactly does that fit into the bunny mythos? Strange.

I think next year instead of the stores being closed on Easter they should make the offer that anything you've purchased in the last three days can be returned for a new one no matter what condition it's in.

Anything.

It would be more in keeping with the spirit of the holiday, I feel.

Friday, March 25, 2005

CliparToon #35: New, on Fox!

It's 'Toddler Takedown'

"More controversial than 'Bum Fights'!" says Phillip Buckley, a guy that works somewhere in the entertainment industry. Probably a janitor.

My money is on the new meat. He seems a bit chunkier and has that killer spirit. Also, the one against the bars is obviously scared. He's wet himself. In fear.

---

Also, Happy Birthday Derek! You old guy, you. Everyone, drop on by and point and laugh at him for living this long. He's such a non-perishing goob.

And here I was afraid I would run out of scamspam.

As usual, this is a real email sent to me by someone who's only goal in life is to make mine far, far easier and richer and all I can do is make fun of them. In red.

From: WILLIEM APOLLO (williemapollo@yahoo.co.uk)
Subject: CONGRATULATION.
Date: March 23, 2005 9:39:11 AM MST
To: sketch33
Reply-To: williemapollo@yahoo.co.uk

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
EFFORT LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL W.W.
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER
RESULTS FOR THIRD CATEGORY DRAWS:

Wow. Sounds impressive. And random. Also this marks the first email that I've received from a desk.

DEAR SIR/MADAM,

Is something wrong with your eyes fool? I'm a pimp, not a madam. Don't make me cut you!

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the
results of the Third Category draws of EFFORT LOTTERY
INTERNATIONAL S.A.

Amazing. They are English words. They are spelled correctly. They just don't make much sense in that order. But I'm ever so grateful that this random person has taken it upon himself to bring this to my notice. He must be royalty. He uses "we". (the royalty is in the 'we' – see?)

We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner under the Third Category, which is part of our promotional draws.

Awesome! I KNEW it! I told my Pepsi cap just this morning that I am TOO a winner! I picture all of the random names for this drawing being churned together in a gigantic vat, and my name slowly fights its way to the surface, breaks free for the rest – even going so far a shoving a few under and holding them there until they drown – and then emerging into the loving light, blinking its eyes, then doing a happy jig.

The draws were held on the 27th of January 2005, and results were being officially announced on the 10th of March 2004.

That's quite a wait. I hope my name didn't get bored after all of that struggling.

Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 40,000.000 names/email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia, Australia, Canada, Europe, Middle East, and New Zealand as part of our International Promotions Program.

That many names/email addresses, eh? And all those countries? Odd that the UK isn't represented in this, the Third Category "draw". Just as well though. If they had been I might not have won! Then I would be sad. :( <--- see the sad face? That's how you know it's for real.

Your name attached to ticket number 0079-03-742, with serial number 37-93 drew the lucky numbers 17, 23, 21, 33, 47, 14 (22), and consequently won in the Third Category.

Again, awesome! Look at all those numbers. Gosh. Just what were the odds Willem D Desk? They sound mighty slim. I mean, if a single ticket that is 9-digits long has a serial number that is 4-digits long... I'm no math expert, but that's a hell of a lot of numbers! The odds against my winning would have to be phenomenal! And there were six numbers that had to match up as well (with one in parentheses which I don't even begin to understand). It's mind boggling. I'm just sitting here all boggled. I think I may have just used up my entire life's allotment of luck in one contest that I never voluntarily entered! Gosh Will – may I call you Will? It's more chummy – I hope it was worth it. Please tell me what I've won! Don't leave me hanging here Will!

You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of Euros.2,400,000.00 (Two Million Four Hundred Thousand Euros) in cash, which is the winning payout for Third Category winners. This is from the total prize money of Euros.9,600,000.00 shared among the 4 international winners in the Third category.

Well, that sounds worth it.

Plus 3nights lodging free in any *** Hotel of your choice in MADRID, SPAIN.

So... I just won 2.4 Million (Meeeeeelion) euros and you are sweetening the deal with 3 nights free lodging in a three star hotel in Madrid, Spain? You sly dog Will. You've got my attention now! Yeeha. I'm hooked, now reel me in!

PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL NON UK RESIDENT HAVE A FEES OF £500 TO PAY BEFORE ANY TRANSACTION IS BEING MADE

Remember how I noticed above that the UK was excluded from this big money drawing? So... How could I be a resident of the UK, Will? And where the hell am I going to get £500? And why pounds? This is all so confusing. I'm beginning to think that this... might be... a... a scam of some type. Please don't be offended Will, I'm just trying to be careful here.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Um. Thanks. You're right. You are such a persuasive piece of furniture Will. You must be mahogony. Why should I be worrying about a few hundred pounds when I have millions of euros just waiting to drop into my pocket. I'm convinced now that you're on the up and up. If nothing else you're using a Yahoo email account. Those are pretty hard to come by what with all of the runaround, background checks and body cavity searches. My fears have been assuaged. Tell me more, tell me more!

Your fund is now deposited with CITI FINANCE AND INVESTMENT COMPANY insured in your name.

Is it? But waaaaaay back at the beginning you called me "Sir/Madam." I hate to be the bearer of grim news Will, but that's not my real name. That's my stage name. Is that going to be okay with CITI FINANCE AND INVESTMENT COMPANY?

In your best interest and also to avoid mix up of numbers and names of any kind,

Heaven forfend.

we request that you keep the entire details of your award strictly from public notice

Oops. You mean I can't even let slip a single little detail? Ummm... okay. I'll be sure to not do that thing that you said I should do.

until the process of transferring your claims has been completed, and your funds remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants/nonparticipants of this program.

Oh yes, I fully understand. Lord knows you can't trust ME! All I am is a dirty little thief and con artist that manages to get his name randomly submitted to a huge lottery that covers eight countries and then somehow is chosen as the winner out of 40 million people. I'm sneaky like that. Don't turn your back on me! I'll steal your wallet, your briefs and your soul! I'm that good.

We also wish to bring to your notice our mid year(2005) high stakes where you stand a chance of winning up to Euros.1.5 Billion,

Noted. I'm all over that! Big money, no wammies, STOP!

we hope that with a part of your prize you will participate.
Please contact your claims agent immediately, to begin
your claims process;

TEL/FAX: +447921786935

Oh lord Will! I can't find the "+" key on my phone! Ahhhhhhh! (running in circles in fear of losing all my new won euros) What will I do?! What?! All that money gone!
:( <--- sad face is back.


EMAIL: williemapollo@yahoo.co.uk

...Oh. Okay. Sorry about that. Whew. Crisis averted.

For due processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice. Remember, you must contact your claim agent not later than a week from the date of receipt of this notification. Failure to do so may lead to disqualification.

Oh say it isn't so Will! If I get disqualified, can I still have the 3 nights at the hotel? It would mean a lot to me.

And always quote your Batch and reference numbers in every of your correspondence for identification.

Um. Why do you capitalize 'Batch' but not 'reference'? That seems to be oddly inconsistent when compared to the rest of your email. Are you feeling okay?


REFERENCE NUMBER: GRC-3RD-37
BATCH NUMBER: 0074-TH


Congratulations once again from all our staffs and
thank you for being part of our promotions program.

You have staffs? Better get an ointment before it swells up on you. And you're welcome. I always knew I could do it! I'm so freakin' awesome! Whoo! Yeah.

Sincerely,
MR.WILLIEMAPOLLO.
THE LOTTERY COORDINATOR,
EFFORT LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL W.W.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

CliparToon #34: Noooo! Think of the children!

She'll do it too. I know it's hard to see at that size, but that is one hardened, evil little girl. You can see it in her eyes. That's what happens when your parents dress you in a sack. Best you do what she says Santa and give up the toys. You can always avoid her next year. Or even send a couple of elves in one night to rough her up. But as of this moment she's got you cold. Best to cooperate. For now. You're no good to anyone dead.

You might be thinking, "Why didn't you hold on to this one until Christmas?" If you aren't, why not? I'm so disappointed in you.

Two reasons. The first is there's no shortage of bad, bad Christmas clipart. There's one folder alone that probably has enough to last me all of my remaining Christmases. And second, I'll be surprised if I can keep this going past the 4th of July. Making it to Christmas with this is highly unlikely.

---

Now on to Fizzle & Pop store news.

Making that ribbon has renewed my interest in actually putting stuff in my store that sells. I've added a variation of Heather's mermaid as both a small poster and a mini poster print. And, once I upgrade my store, I'll be offering CliparToon t-shirts and other posters, such as my stippled drawing of the Kite. Between now and when I upgrade I'm going to work on new stuff as well.

My goal is to apply any profit I make from this to my student loans. Heh.

If anyone has seen something at my sites that I created that they would like as one of the multitude of products that Cafe Press offers, just ask.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

CliparToon #33: You head for the lungs, I'll take out the liver!

Give them a hand folks! They've done so much for the world!

I've never tried smoking or drugs and pretty much gave up on drinking quite a few years back*. Which is weird because I have an addictive personality. Pretty much everyone in my family does. I guess I'm just stubborn.

When I was a child, probably around 10, my cousin was arguing with me about smoking. She was convinced that I was going to smoke when I got older. She even said, "I'll BET you will!" And I was totally dead set against it. So to this day I never have.

See? Stubborn.

But that's not to say that I don't have my own types of vices. They just aren't the heavily taxed or illegal ones. I'm into movies and games. So I probably spend as much as your average druggie, boozer or chain smoker, but at the end of the month I'm not in a gutter, twitching and hallucinating or stink stained. And when I'm strapped for cash, like I will be for the foreseeable future, I can go back into my collection and still enjoy myself or trade some of what I own for something new. Try getting a new pack of cigs in exchange for a handful of butts. You can't.

---

*In the Air Force I drank a lot. Mostly while in England. And mostly hard liquor. I never really developed a taste for beer. One of my fond memories was an impromptu pup crawl that some coworkers and I did in Banbury. By the fourth pub I was wasted. Every sheet I owned was to the wind. PLUS I was talking quite loudly with a cockney accent. You know, the way an American would if he were drunk and stupid. The guys I was with were positive we were going to get jumped by the locals and have our asses walloped. We didn't, but I woke up the next day still quite drunk. And as I recall I ate a street vendor kabab that night. And enjoyed it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

CliparToon #32: The Tricks of the Trade.

I don't know. Perhaps the caption should have been, "Well, I could use the extra money..." But that doesn't seem any better really. I'm too tired to be clever today so I'll chalk this one up in the "miss" pile and let it go.

If you haven't followed this

from Boing Boing, you might want to: EFF: Countdown to Grokster

Running with an idea

is a bit safer than running with scissors. Andy's most recent post about the "Support Our Troops" magnets that are all the rage these days got me thinking. And I ran with it. So here is my cultural mashup/parody: If a "Support..." magnet is turned 90˙ counter clockwise it apparently becomes a Christian fish.* So if you change that to a Darwin fish you get "Support Evolution"



If you want one of them you can either snatch this one for yourself (CC license applies) or purchase one from my store. CliparToon to come later in the day.

---
* And I actually saw this on the drive in to work today. A sideways pink magnet ribbon without writing was next to a Christian fish emblem as an obvious imitation. It kinda looked like a bloated Christian salmon.

I've probably seen this dozens, if not hundreds of times around here and never realized it until Andy pointed it out. I just thought the owners were sloppy and at first I thought Andy was joking. But it seems to be happening. I'm not saying that it's a insidious plot or any thing. It's just the nature of the shape. Still, good call Andy.

Monday, March 21, 2005

HahahHAHAhahaha... heh.

This spam just in! Another Cialis® ad just like the one I dissected awhile back. You know, the one with the woman that would rather be with another woman. Yeah, that one. That's not the funny bit though.

Here's the funny bit (and it may only be funny to me and those close enough to know who CS was), the subject was "If a relaxing moment turns into the right moment! wrinkle cheryl" hehehehehe. I honestly can't imagine a wrinkled Cheryl actually helping that situation.

This arrived via "Roscoe Smallwood" (Dubois@centralpets.com) a perfect name for someone peddling peter pills.

CliparToon #31: What's more flammable than a baby?

Two babies.

Just kidding. Gasoline is more flammable than even a dozen babies.

You may ask yourself, "Self. Why would he joke about setting babies on fire? That's just sick!" Yes, I know it is. But I felt that it was necessary to get the message out. Much like baby tipping and sending them out to sea without a boat, I'm against setting them on fire. In spite of all appearances. So, if you find yourself with the urge to ignite your sibling or child I beg you, put down the matches, put down the baby (a safe distance from the matches) and take a few deep breaths. Count to ten. Go mow the lawn or something. Just don't burn the baby. Remember. Don't do it for the children.

(I would like it noted that, should I ever get sentenced to community service for any reason, this counted preemptively.)

It's Monday

And to be perfectly honest I blame you. Don't bother apologizing. The damage is done and now all we can do is try to make the best of it. I just want you to be absolutely aware that it's all your fault. Your carelessness and inattention resulted in a Monday and I hope you're happy! I told you not to jiggle the beakers and what did you do? That's right. You jiggled them! While I try to clean up this mess I want you to go to your room and think about what you've done and how you should listen to me and do as you're told next time. I should be done by Tuesday.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Listen... Do you wanna know a secret?

More fun from the scamspammer front. My comments are in red. Have a good weekend all.

From: osdorp paul
Date: March 17, 2005 10:41:26 AM MST
To: pawillqzn@netscape.net Now, the odd thing is, this isn't my email address.
Subject: SOLICITING FOR A BUSINESS VENTURE AND PARTNERSHIP
Yay! I was just thinking that what I really need around the house – you know, to spruce up the place – is a business venture and partnership! It's my lucky, lucky day!

Dear Friend,

First and foremost, I apologize for using this medium to communicate a business proposal of this magnitude ,
Not a problem, friend. No need to apologize. Next time super size it if a medium won't fit your magnitude.
this is solely because of the confidentiality nature repose on the net;
You don't say? Well, now that you mention it, the "net" is awfully confidential. I mean, stuff so rarely leaks out onto the "net" that it's more of a "bucket with a very tight lid" really. One in repose no less.
before I go on further, I must be grateful to introduce myself.
Yes, you must! For if you aren't grateful I might lash out in my fury and strike you a mighty blow betwixt your eyes and about your noggin. Furiously.
My name is Mr. Paul Wayne Zuma from the republic of South Africa .
Really? It isn't Paul Osdorp as the "from" says? I'm flabbergasted almost unto the point of furiousness by this grave news.
My (late) father DR.zuma Kent Williams was the managing director of the Gold Mine company in SOUTH AFRICA.
Seriously? Dr. Zuma Kent Williams was your father?! Man, talk about a coincidence. Of all the people you could have written to, you chose me! Your father and I go WAY back to that time when I was hired by his business associate to kill him! It is a small world after all.
But he was assasinated by his business assoicate and all his properties was totally destroyed,
Hey now! I may have killed the man, but I did not destroy any of his properties! I'm a paid assassin, not a vandal dammit! His stuff was destroyed by that other guy. Fritz, I think his name was. And it wasn't done with malice, he was just very clumsy. An inner ear problem, I believe.
however,I managed to escape with some of my father's valid documents covering Forty Millions and Five Hundred United States Dollars (US$40.5M) which is presently deposited safely in a finance/scurity company in the Netherlands
Dude! That was you?! Do you have any idea how close my shot was? It must have at least parted your hair on its way by. And you should thank Fritz. If he hadn't bumped me I would have had you. Now I spend my days pining for the "one that got away." Seriously. Your father's business associate was quite annoyed that those documents were gone. I tried to point out to him that the contract was for Dr. Zuma Kent Williams and whoever else was in the room and once you had cleared the doorway it wasn't my job to get you. He disagreed and only paid me half saying that I would get the balance once I silenced you and retrieved the documents.
where I now reside as a refugee;
No WAY! That's awesome! Where are you staying? I wanna... umm... "invest" in your dealie. Thing.
and I do not have the intention of returning home for fear of being assassinated by my father's business associate.
The irony of this is simply delicious. So. About the directions to where you are staying...

MY REQUEST As a result of my present situation as a refugee who cannot have access to own an account or accounts, I am therefore faced with the dilemma of seeking for a trustworthy individual/firm that can advise me in making the rightful investment as well as to provide account(s) where the funds will be lodge into.
Hey! That's even better! I'll meet you at the bank and we can discuss..."lodging" stuff. Bring the documents.
More also, we are at the interim interested in buying properties for residence as we been residing there in the near future.
Might I suggest you shop around the local mortuaries?
Please be aware that my family are also in a safe location and I am in contact with them.
Oh, freakin' great! You told your FAMILY?! Dammit. I better go buy more bullets. Any chance they will be willing to accompany you to the bank?

COMMISSION/REMUNERATION; As regard yourcommission/remuneration,
Hey, don't sweat it. I'll be paid. Not your concern. You just hie yourself on over to the bank. Bring your family. And the documents.
my family and I have decided to offer you 25% of the total sum and also set aside 5% for all your expenses (i.e telephone bills, traveling expenses, hotel bills and other miscellaneous expenses).
Bullets? Because I only buy the best and they aren't cheap. If you would be so kind as to underwrite them I will be most pleased. Bordering on ecstatic when all is said and done.

NOTE: I shall commit half of my own share of the total sum into a joint venture project preferably in the purchase of Real Estate or other profitable business venture within your knowledge existing in your area.
Sure. I'll sell you a nice little plot of land. It's a bit deep in the woods, but with luck you'll never be disturbed.
Be assured that you stand no risk of any kind
No shit? Good to hear.
as the funds in question belong to us alone.
I have a feeling that your father's old business partner wouldn't agree.
As soon as I get your consent,
Consider it gotten.
I will furnish you with the details and contact of the Finance/Security Company and after a few more details have being communicated,
You do of course know that the Devil is in the details, right?
we shall then proceed to arrange for a face to face meeting in order to know each other better
Bliss! I TOTALLY look forward to that. You have no idea.
and also discuss the terms and conditions of the partnership extensively.
Oh yes. There shall be extensive discussions. Bring the documents. And your family.
I strongly believe that associating with you to embark on this and other business ventures will derive a huge success hereafter
If you mean IN the hereafter, then I think you might be on to something. Yes. I'm most certain of it.
and it will be a long lasting business association.
Well, if you view "long" as the rest of your life, and "the rest of your life" being the time it takes to pull a trigger, then yes, it will be long. And satisfying.
If you have any question, do not fail to contact me with my e-mail address (paulwayne45@netscape.net) I await your anticipated co-operation.
Oh yes. Yes indeed. I'm filled with great anticipation as well. See you soon Paul.

Today just isn't my day.


Okay, I already talked about my review. It's snowing here today when it shouldn't have been. What next, o' life I happen to be living?

I know! How about screwing up my lunch! That would be novel.

I didn't feel up to eating the frozen dinner I brought today, so I decided to splurge and go to Qdoba to get a chicken taco salad for lunch.

I wasn't paying attention while it was being made so when I got back to work and took my first bite I thought, "Something's odd..." By the third bite I had figured out what it was. The thing was cold. Refrigerator cold. And the reason it was cold? Nobody bothered to actually put in the chicken.

The guy who owns the place is the one who was doing the initial prep of the orders and he put the meat in the burrito and salad before mine. So by the time it got to the next guy in the line I hadn't given it any thought. I just let him know what salsas I wanted, paid and left.

Normally, when life hands me lemons I just suck them down and chalk it up to another one of "those" days, but for once I decided to do something about it. I called them up and told the person who answered, Roberta, what had happened. She seemed a bit incredulous but said I could come in and get a coupon for two free burritos. And the funny thing? Running through my mind, the only thing I'm worried about is that she doesn't believe me and thinks I'm just after free food. That type of stuff eats at me. It matters so much what people think of me. I don't know why. But I DO know my salad has no chicken. And without the chicken it's just not the same.

CliparToon #30: Things are tough all over.

Poor Old Scratch. Having to reduce his fearsome legion down to something created by Geppetto's retarded brother. Is there no sympathy for the Devil? Oh well. I'm sure he'll spring back in no time. He's all kinds of crafty.

I had my review today, oh boy.

Way back in the days when I was doing temp work (honestly, the real hard times compared to now) I was working for a company called Applied Magnetics in Monument, CO on their base plate assembly line. This would be the same job I was driving to when I rolled my VW bug. We were working on assembling a new technology at the time called "optical drives." The particular project that I was working on was code named "Skywalker" so I imagine it had something to do with George Lucas. Or the military. They never told us.

The average time to assemble a base plate before it had its optics calibrated was 25 minutes. I had some ideas, passed them along to my supervisor, he had engineering come up and work them out with me and when we were finished I could assemble a base plate in approximately 30 seconds at top speed. I got so far ahead of the optics crew assembling the plates that they had to move me to that group and only called me back to base plates when we were down to a box of 50 or so. And that was while working as a temp with nothing vested in the company's success.

The engineer that I had been working with was talking about getting me into their department as an actual employee, but it was right around the time that I applied to Rocky Mountain College of Art and Design and had been accepted. I was going to be an artist! Yay me! I really wish I had chosen differently.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Happy St. Paddy's Day


By the way. In honor of a day that I know means wear green and get drunk, I offer you this, the Happy Leprechaun. How many of you plan on (or are already) getting drunk tonight?

The last time I really did anything for St. Patrick's Day was way back when I was in England. A friend took me around to the local pubs in Bicester and I tried an Irish Coffee for the first and last time. And then later we all put back a jug of Irish whiskey and played darts until we lost them. I'm not sure if they were good times, but they were certainly "times".

Now I rarely drink, so I'll be sober tonight. But I am wearing green. And I have the red hair. And the beard. So, no pinching me!

CliparToon #29: Shake your butt, Joe!

Very often clipart is not a pretty thing. I have heaps of clipart so awful that I can't think of anything to say about it to try and make it funny. It's like looking over a train wreck and trying to think of something funny. I've pulled them because I had no choice. I saw them and thought, "This MUST be shared with the world!" The problem is, for the most part, anything I could say about them would just detract from the sheer awfulness of it all.

I think this one might have been borderline "that bad".

The only possible legitimate use I could think of for this wee bit'o "art" would be for an underground flyer inviting people to an all male toga party. Toga optional.

And just remember, as bad as this is, I have worse. So, be nice or I shall be forced to inflict it upon you. You've been warned.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

An emergency phone call

Yesterday, right at 5:30 when I was preparing to leave work for the day, my son called me.

Me: "What's up?"

He: "Dad, something very bad has happened!"

Me: (thinking of all kinds of horrible things that could have happened) "What?!"

He: "Jordyn's stuck in the bathroom! I tried to get her out but the knob won't turn!"

Me: (quite relieved) "Tell her to be calm and that I am on my way home now. Don't worry."

He: "Okay. I'll tell her."

Occasionally, in the fantastic complex that I reside in, the doorknobs just seize up. There's a bit of warning where it doesn't turn quite right, and the bathroom door was giving that warning, but then seemed better. So I left it be and hoped for the best. The "best" being that if it happened it didn't happen with me in there. At least the screws were on the hall side of the door, unlike the time when it was the kids' bedroom doorknob that seized up with Jordyn trapped inside when she was three. At least this time she was older and could understand waiting.

I drove home with only one stop, to pick up some WD40. The first can I've ever purchased. I'm not terribly "handy". It took me about 45 minutes to get home and when I walked in the door Justin shouted out, "Dad's home!" and I heard Jordyn yell, "Yay!" from the bathroom.

I tried the knob and it was stuck fast. Jordyn knows how a door is locked so that wasn't it. I told her to wait for a few more minutes, stuck the WD40 tube into the lock hole and sprayed around a bit, then tried again. No luck. I told Jordyn that I would have to get the screwdriver and she asked, "Am I going to be stuck here forever?" I told her that I didn't think so, got the screwdriver and went about removing the knob.

Once my side of the knob was off I told her to pull the other one off. She did and was quite happy because she could finally see me. The bit that keeps the door closed still wouldn't come out though and Jordyn's half of the knob was the one with the shaft that turns it. I tried a flathead screwdriver but it couldn't apply the right pressure, so... I took apart another doorknob. The one on my room's door.

And that worked. It opened up right away and Jordyn was very happy to be free. She told me, "I love you now more than ever because you SAVED me!" I sprayed all the bits of the knob and reassembled it and now it works better than it has in ages.

Justin told me that he had considered trying to break the door down. As it was he managed to contain himself and instead slipped her the Gameboy Advance under the door so she would have something to play with while she waited. He's a good brother.

CliparToon #28: Bad Betty!

Yes, this was in our collection of clipart, pre-colored, and no idea what we would have used it for. Or anyone really. It looks too much like Betty for anyone who is familiar with the Archie comics not to see. And it is the only piece out of the 250,000+ images I waded through with that style that I can recall seeing. I mean, that's a lot of clipart to look through and at some point the mind goes fuzzy.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

CliparToon #27: Let the sun shine in.

My son's birthday is Wednesday and I wasn't able to order any of the shirts that I had designed for him. They're going to have to be a late present, unfortunately. But he did get his first set of tools during the his birthday party last weekend and quite a few books that show how things work. Fortunately, no power tools. Not yet.

This weekend I'm going to let him disassemble an old boom box that I've had since my Air Force days. It should be fun. I may take pictures and force them on you, my silent visitors.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Go. Play. Smite.

Wrath 2 (God releases his wrath upon all of the worlds creature - was this in the bible?)

Good morning Starshine

It's a snowy, blech kinda morning here in Colorado Springs. I finally did my taxes last night and much like last year I owe state and am getting cash back and fabulous prizes from federal. But at least this year the gap is larger and to my favor.

Oh yeah. My car problem turned out to not be a problem. My mechanic checked the brake fluid and transmission, topped off the brake fluid and said that there is only a minor oil leak but he couldn't find anything else wrong and did it all free of charge. I love my mechanic (purely in a platonic sense), but I hate how I tend to build minor things into major things. It's that whole "attitude" thing. Ugh.

So I am going to do my best to enjoy this crappy, cold, snowy Monday and try to remain upbeat and positive. Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy, la la la - lo lo.

Go me.

CliparToon #26: Poor Paul

(The toon is in the sidebar)

Wouldn't it be interesting if God was more of a "hands-on" creator? You could be hangin' out with friends when suddenly down would come the hand of God and then *plink!* he flicks one of your friends upside the head and says, "I know what you do alone at night and it offendiths Me. So. Stop it!" and then it disappears.

Things would be different. That's for sure.

Friday, March 11, 2005

To prep you drinkers for the weekend...

I offer you a link to a game. You use your mouse to keep his balance. Good luck!


Drunk Walk

Clipartoon #25: I hear the fish are bitin'



I'm thinking of adding the daily CliparToon to the sidebar rather than as a post. Any thoughts?

Have a great weekend everyone. I plan to see at least one if not two movies in an actual theater this weekend. And that's it for today I guess. My brain is like pudding right now. Glurg. Pft.

Look at me, answerin' questions.

THE INTERVIEW GAME RULES:

Here's how you can play the interview game:
1. Leave me a comment which says "interview me" (or something similar). The first five commenters will be the participants.

2. I will follow up this (awe inspiring) post with the questions for those who would participate, 5 queries per participant (all customized!).

3. Participants will update their respective blog/site with the answers to the aformentioned questions.

4. In addition, participants will include this set of rules and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, participants will ask them five questions. (Write your own questions or borrow some.)
---

Derek asks the following:

1. Back when you enlisted, please to enlighten as to what your motivation was for joining the Air Force?
My father was a retired SMSgt in the Air Force. When I graduated I was given two choices. Either join the military or start paying rent. My job at the movie theater didn't pay enough for me to afford rent, so I enlisted. And boy if it wasn't a hoot.

2. Given the time which you had known me PRIOR to your dating my sister, who were you more afraid to have to "spill the beans" about you and her to: me or my dad?
Look at you trying to stir up crap. Actually, I didn't know your dad that well at the time. I was more afraid of telling you because I had to see you every work day and if you had reacted negatively that would have made working here a bit difficult.

3. What kind of car does Trevor have now?
It's umm... white. I think it's a BMW of some sort. No idea of the year or the details. It's "pre-owned", that I know. When he was trying to show it off was the same time that I was going through my computer problems so I was a bit pre-occupied. And it was cold outside. I wasn't wearing a coat and my layers of fat failed to keep the wind from cutting through me. From across the parking lot I can definitely say that it was a car.

4. Now that "C" is leaving the agency, whom will you write angry, work-related posts about?
Well, "CS" is gone, but I'm sure that "CP" can fill in her shoes. And I have great confidence that they will hire someone else that is totally unfit for the job. They hire AEs like Russian's play roulette. Except with five bullets instead of one. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm hungry.

5. Describe for the good people reading your responses your desk at work and the many toys contained therein.
Therein? Or thereon? Because there are no drawers so there aren't any toys therein. Thereon I have paperclips, a document tray stack full of crap that I could probably do without, my monitors, keyboard and mouse, artwork orders that never seem to be done, a hanging paperstand with papers on it, two of Tim Burton's "The Meancholy Death of Oyster Boy" figures (I forget there names – the one with all the eyes and the robot boy), three Robocop figures, a Spawn figure and the following Zim sets: The Hot Topic exclusive 'Purple Tallest', Hot Topic "Zim" mixed in with the "Gir and Piggie" set, "Mrs. Bitters and her desk" and "Dib and his desk". Oh yeah, and the little happy rabbit (no idea what it's called) with the base that says, "hi, loser.", and a zombie Mighty Bean. And a Tech Deck Dude (The green mohawk topped brit one). And. Um. thats about it. Oh, and for today I have set up my Wacom tablet as well.

Consider the questions ANSWERED! Hah.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Why I haven't posted for the last couple of days.

Funny, I got so used to posting something every day of the work week that it's felt a bit strange to not post for two days. (Said in a quavery old man's voice) Way back in the day it was rare for me to post more than once or twice a week. Some weeks would pass without a post at all. I guess that's what's know as "progress".

Since the middle of Tuesday I've been without a functioning computer of my own here at work. My G5 was acting a bit strange for awhile. From day one I've had the mouse lock up. On Tuesday it had progressed from that to constant crashing in Photoshop and Suitcase. I thought it was a font conflict and tried to resolve it myself without luck. I even received a few grey screens telling me I had to hold down my power button to reboot. So I called Mike, our tech guy and he came out and worked on it the rest of Tuesday.

Yesterday I came in hoping that it was resolved, but no luck. If anything it had gotten worse. Every program I tried to run was crashing. I'd get one email sent and the mail program would go down. It was nuts. Even more strange was it was passing the hardware tester jut fine, however Mike couldn't reinstall the OS. It would lock up while running from the CD which indicated that it WAS a hardware problem. I had to go back to working on our last remaining G4 and I was amazed by how slow it felt. It was like trying to do my job while encased in lead. But it wasn't crashing, so I could at least do some of my job.

Mike had just received the G5 that was to replace the G4 that I was working on and he brought it in to try out a hard drive swap. That would show if it was the drive or the computer. He put my drive in the new G5 and started it up. Everything seemed fine so he took my old G5 back to his shop and I resumed working on a fast computer. Everything seems to be fine now.

I just received a call from Mike while I was typing this and he told me that while he was testing the wonky computer he saw a puff of smoke come out the back. It had fried the hard drive. I was one day away from losing everything. Talk about cutting it close.

Enough about work, on to something funny. And CliparToons will resume eventually (for anyone who might be missing them).

Awhile back Defective Yeti ran a post where he asked people to comment with their favorite jokes. Here are the ones that I liked most from what was offered:

---
2a. Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything."

2b. Cashier: "That'll be $9.50"
Buddha hands him a ten. Waits. Waits. He says, "Where's my change?"
Cashier replies, "Change must come from within"
---
Why did the blonde go to church?
[Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this .
---
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint. As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks, "Hey matey, do you realize you've got a steering wheel in your pants there?"

Pirate says, "Arr... it's drivin' me nuts."
---
A little boy asks his dad "Dad, what's the difference between truth and reality?"

The dad says "Go ask your mother if she would have sex with anyone for a million dollars."

The boy asks and she says "Yes."

He comes back to his dad and says "She said yes. But what's the difference between truth and reality?"

The dad says: "Go ask your sister if she would sleep with anyone for two million dollars."

He comes back and says: "She says yes. But dad, what's the difference between truth and reality?!?"

The dad says: Well, the truth is we're sitting on a gold mine but the reality is we're living with two whores.
---

Do any of you have a joke or computer horror story that you would like to share?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Potentially Sadistic


Interactive Buddy

Yet cool. As you play with it you earn money to buy more stuff to torture it with. You can also buy new skins – like the Maddox skin pictured.


Enjoy.

Clipartoon #24: Why? Why not?!



Okay, I scheduled an appointment to have the car looked at Thursday morning. Now we'll see if will last that long.

An interesting thing that came up this weekend. Well, to me at least. Heather was checking out a death clock style site and she entered information for both of us into the thing and found that she should live into her 70s and I would snuff it in my 50s – about 20 years from now. That reminded me of when I was messing around with a similar site a year or so ago. I discovered by fiddling around with my inputs that an even greater impact on my longevity than losing weight would be changing my attitude from pessimistic to optimistic. Just getting my weight under control would only add about six years, but a change in attitude would add about 15 years or so. But how does a lifelong pessimist develop a sunny outlook? I just don't know and (no surprise) I don't think I can.

I'm not saying that I don't hope. I "hope" that my car makes it to Thursday and I think there's a good chance it will, but I'm sure you can guess what I expect.

Movies for your Monday


Magical Trevor 1
Magical Trevor 2


These came to me by way of Justin C. again. No idea where he's finding them, but so far so good. They both loop so there's no end to the happiness. Sorry if it gets stuck in your head. (he saw beans lots of beans lots of beans lots of beans yah yah)

I fully expect my car to be dead before the end of the week. I hope I'm wrong, but there's a smell like burning electronics every time I drive anywhere and my brake light warning indicator keeps fading on and off. Derek suggested that it might be a leak in my brake line and brake fluid is leaking on the engine which is causing the smell. Since I have all of $50 to my name I won't be finding out for sure until next paycheck at the earliest, or until the car stops working. Or my brakes fail. So far they aren't at all mushy so I'm hoping that's not it. Ugh. I hate worrying about my car.

Could be worse though. I just found out that my neighbor's car was stolen on Thursday when she was warming it up.

Have a good week all!

CliparToon to follow in good time.

Friday, March 04, 2005

And a little movie to round out the week:

DJ.

Have a great weekend everyone!

I guess it could have been worse.

Put in perspective, my Thursday wasn't really that bad.

Go nuts you godless heathens!



Click image to offend God.


A cookie to the first person to make the angels weep.

Found at Mark's site.

Here's one more, just to give you an idea of the slippery Hell path that I'm on:



and one more, because it's just so hard to stop:


Clipartoon #23: "I've lost things in tight places..."



Hey! It's Friday! What happened to Thursday? I'll tell you what happened, it sucked the very marrow out me bones, it did! (Arrr!) And that takes a lot of sucking, but it had it in spades.

Really bad day at work: details omitted.

By the time I got home I was all kinds of messed up. Heather was kind enough to let me vent to her and gave me hugs and kisses and told me it would be okay. By the end of the evening I was back to normal. As normal as that is, obviously.

And that's what happened to my Thursday. May it rot.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Oh you dog.

No CliparToon today as I am slammed. I might get one up later. Much later. Otherwise it won't be until tomorrow. Rather than leave you with nothing, here's a post I started yesterday.

Justin C. sent me this link yesterday:

What Dog Are You?

It leads to a very well designed site about an upcoming British comedy called "Gone to the Dogs," a "surreal comedy about the trials of canine metamorphosis."

At the site they also have a quiz called "What dog are you?" You have to click to it from a link at the bottom of the right side of the main page. It leads to one of the best Flash interfaces I've seen in ages. I wish, oh I wish that I could do something as good as that in Flash. Ahem. Here are the details of the quiz/game:

--
There's a dog inside all of us, waiting to be let out. This game is based on a computer called SUKA built in 1975 by Russian scientist Mikhail Volkonsky and now housed in the London Science Museum.

SUKA is powered by CATS (Canine Algorithmic Transfer System™) which is able to determine what kind of dog you are. Simply answer 10 questions, being as honest and accurate as possible and CATS will calculate which breed you resemble the most.
--

Here are my results:



Dog Name: Hovawart

Origins:
Germany. The name Hovawart comes from the German "Hofewart" meaning estate or watch dog, but its role for many years seems to have been as a companion dog that will rise to the occasion if required.

Personality:
A home loving, naturally protective animal that makes an ideal watchdog. Loyal to the family but with the tendency to become strictly devoted to one person. Generally good natured and even- tempered it occasionally becomes aggressive, especially towards strangers.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Surprise!


My friend Justin Carmical, the one who sent the link to that awesome Flash animation, has apparently been running a web comic for the last nine weeks. He just now sent me the link: Making Life by Justin Carmical

It seems to center around the ancient game of "Go" which I, myself, have no idea how to play beyond the fact that it involves a board, lines and stones. All the same, I really like his style and can't wait to see how it evolves.

The questions, they burn!


I wrote the following email to the wonderful folks at The Straight Dope site in an effort to find a bit'o enlightenment. If I find any I'll be sure to pass it along your way.

---

Hello Straight Dope Staff,

A couple years back I asked about the origins behind the "Chinese Fire Drill"; that activity wherein a car comes to a stop and all of the occupants jump out and switch positions then drive off. Both how it became popular and why it's attributed to "Chinese" specifically (rather than, say, "Dutch") I received a reply that it was being looked into but haven't seen anything on it since and a search of the site doesn't turn up anything. A search of Wikipedia turned up the following:

---
A Chinese fire drill is a harmless prank, or perhaps just an expression of high spirits, popular in the United States during the 1960s. It is performed when a car is stopped at a red traffic light, at which point all of the car's occupants get out, run around the car, and return to their own (or other) seats.

The term is also used as a figure of speech to mean any ineffective and chaotic exercise. It comes from a British tendency around the time of World War I to use the adjective Chinese as a slur, implying "confused, disorganized, or inferior". Today the expression may seem to have lost much of its insulting meaning and many people say it without realizing the offense it might cause to others.
---

That all sounds well and good, but it doesn't explain either how a derogatory adjective from WW1 came to be applied to a "prank" from the 60s, or the "Fire Drill" part. Any thoughts?

My new question came about when I was tired and looking at how "Wednesday" is spelled. My own searching around turned up that it is from "Woden's Day", however that really doesn't explain why the "o" turned into an "e" and then the "e" was tossed behind the "n" to give us the word we stumble over writing to this day. It seems to me to be a stupid way of spelling it and is hell on a dyslexic, so my question is, "How did that come about and why do we persist in spelling it this way, rather than simplifying it to 'Wensday'?" I can't believe that it's simply a resistance to change since the spelling of words has changed over time before (shoppe : shop) and I can't imagine the Odin lobby is all that powerful these days. The rest of the day's names are spelled essentially how they sound (Tuesday's a bit iffy), so... what's up with that?

Thanks,
Collin

CliparToon #22: The Grim Farmer



I'm tired. Are you tired? At least it's Wednesday.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Another Amusing Animation



"The Drugs I Need!"


I already posted this on my junk blog, then I watched it. It was very amusing, and since the junk drawer doesn't get viewed much I figured I would post it here. Enjoy.

via boingboing

CliparToon #21: Fear Recyclebot!



I can't help looking at this and thinking to myself, "He'll never be able to climb out of that litter box."
"Boring a hole in the patient’s head creates a door through which the demons can escape, and - viola! - out goes the crazy."